Cold-pressed juice the secret to curing every health ailment

Vegetables cure cancer, gout, ugliness

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Last Tuesday, Vancouver local Daniel Friedreich revolutionized the healthcare industry for good.

Friedreich claims that drinking artisanal, cold-pressed organic juice will nullify almost every negative toxin in the human body.

“Every single unhealthy decision I’ve made in the past week is eradicated by the juice,” Friedreich explained. “When I had fast food takeout from two different places on the same day, it was canceled out by the juice. When I smoked an entire Juul Pod in a single hour, it didn’t matter because I had a juice. Hell, when I cheated on my girlfriend—juice. It’s juice all the way down.”

But it can’t be just any old grocery store juice.

“It has to be in a glass bottle, and it has to have a name like ‘The Cleanser’ or ‘Powerhouse Seven.’ And it must be served to you by a blonde girl who did a yoga retreat in India and no matter the weather, has her belly button exposed,” Friedrich explained. “That’s how you know it’s the good stuff.”

Is Friedreich’s claim legitimate? Other Press reporters spoke to holistic nutritionist Joel Braun for the inside scoop.

“The more expensive a juice is, the more healthiness it has,” Braun confirmed. “Ditto with how bright the colour of the juice is. So green is healthier than red, and orange is healthier than green. Brown is the least healthy of all. That’s why chocolate milk is so bad for you.”

Many of Friedreich’s bottles came from Suck It! Juicery in Kitsilano. Other Press reporters spoke to Cindy Liniker, Head Juicetess at Suck It!

“We basically take a tiny bit of nice-tasting fruit like apples and oranges and blend them with a bunch of weird-tasting roots and fauna like swiss chard, driftwood, and murky leaves from public parks,” Liniker told reporters. “Then we put the whole mix into some really nice, expensive glass bottles that make it seem like the consumer is really getting their money’s worth. The whole process takes around three minutes, or half of that time if you have a fancier blender.”

When asked if it demonstrated poor business ethics to trick consumers into paying lots of money for a subpar product, Liniker disagreed.

“That’s the price of health,” she said. “Plus, many customers have allergic reactions to our juices, giving them bouts of diarrhea or causing them to vomit uncontrollably. And nothing sheds pounds quite like vomiting or diarrhea, I can promise you that.”

Friedreich’s research is taking Vancouver by storm. He hasn’t been the first citizen to jump on the juice train and he won’t be the last.

“This weekend I went out on both Saturday and Sunday, had two hungover brunches, and finished the whole thing with a carton of cigarettes,” said local man William Parsnips, a fellow juicer. “And I was taking antibiotics the entire weekend for a recent bout of chlamydia. But I’m concerned about my health and wellness, so today I’m going to drink two bottles of organic juice, each around $22. It’s pricey, but I really care about my body.”

Parsnips also told reporters, “I’m not going to recycle the glass bottles after.”

What will Friedreich do now that he’s conquered the mystery known as the human body?

“Now that I know the secret to good health, drinking and smoking cigarettes have no appeal to me,” Friedreich said. “I’m going to go straight to the source—crystal meth. Followed by a nice carrot and turmeric juice blend, of course.”