Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Social events are good for you. They get you outside of your parent’s basement and you could potentially learn some valuable life lessons. For example, Cheetos dust is not an acceptable moustache for Movember.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Your mind is filled with social issues today. You’ll be thinking about heavy subjects like “Would any of my friends mind if I got them gift cards for Christmas instead of actual gifts?”
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Guess what? Today you have the capability to invent something so brilliant, everybody’s minds will be blown! I mean, a steam engine? That’s a great idea! If only it weren’t already invented.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Do you want a way to better your career? Well, gather up some friends and suddenly break out into an organized dance, using the choreography from “Gangnam Style” while in the middle of an important meeting.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Good news, everyone! You and five of your friends are going on a trip back to Victorian England! You’ll be staying in the slums of London, so try not to break into “Food, Glorious Food” while you’re there.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Want to get a better grade on that final paper? Here’s a hint: whatever you do, don’t use Comic Sans as your font.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Today you’ll discover that you can fire laser beams. Unfortunately, you’ll only be able to do so at 2:15 a.m.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Today, you’ll win that iPad you always wanted by clicking on a banner ad. When the ad asks for your credit card number, give it to them. Don’t worry. This is just Future Shop’s new advertising campaign!
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
Today, a whirlwind of energy will inspire you to recreate the Mona Lisa on Draw My Thing. Unfortunately, the other person is asking for a recreation of The Last Supper.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Today, you will host a final exam study party. Unsurprisingly, the party will end up with all you passed out on the floor from drinking too much.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Today, you will receive boatloads of information in your emails—never mind that they are all about Viagra.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
It seems like you want something, but don’t have a clue on how to get it. Maybe you should try asking someone if you can borrow a ladder.
With files from Livia Turnbull
