Transit fare increases revealed to be part of a larger initiative to piss everyone off

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

TransLink hopes that new changes and continued negligence will demoralize commuters

By Brody Steves, TransLink Troll

TransLink announced last week that fare increases will be introduced starting in January 2013 as part of a new plan being undertaken to further annoy basically everyone.

“We’re really excited about what TransLink has in store for the next few years, as far as transit in Metro Vancouver is concerned,” TransLink spokesperson Glinda Roy told a group of pissed off reporters on Tuesday morning, “in addition to increasing the cost of all services, people can look forward to reduced frequency on certain bus routes, as well as fewer SkyTrains running due to something we’re calling ‘track maintenance.’

“We’re really hoping to piss off everyone who relies on public transit as part of their daily lives. The feedback we’ve received in the past is that things are generally not a clusterfuck, which is something we want to steer away from.”

In addition to reduced services, commuters can also look forward to continued inconveniences caused by faregate construction and an increase in transit security, despite a deficit budget.

“We know some critics are arguing that the faregate addition will never result in increased revenue, after taking into consideration their costly installation and projected maintenance of the gates each year” Roy added, “but what people need to realize is that the last thing we’re concerned about is balancing our budget. Our priority is, and always has been, to make things as difficult as possible for the general public.”

Roy was also quick to denounce rumors that announcement systems currently operating on SkyTrain cars would be upgraded with new models, stating that the systems would continue to function ineffectively and that commuters could relax knowing that “they still won’t be able to understand a God damn word of what is being said.” As well, Roy also denied claims that the Evergreen Line project was moving along, calling the idea of any progress to the SkyTrain extension “simply outlandish.”

Roy ended the press conference with a hint at a future grandiose project that may be soaking up TransLink budgets in the near future: a solid gold monument of a toilet, to possibly be erected in front of TransLink’s head offices in Burnaby

“It saddens me deeply when I hear people complaining that we might not totally be pissing away all of the money we receive from both the public and from the government. We feel that a project like building a giant toilet might help calm any of those concerns.”