By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor
A rafflesia plant can fill your home with the smells characteristic of a serial killer. The neighbours might be concerned and call the police. Don’t worry, you’ll only have to stay one night in jail.
Your dreams are trying to tell you that you haven’t been studying hard enough for your exams. In order to get perfect marks, you need to sacrifice a chicken.
Confront your troubles head on. Burn down your place of work so you’ll be free for the holidays.
Living well may be the best revenge, but identity theft is even better. After all, it was your partner’s fault that he trusted you with his PIN.
Forget about the big exams that you have tomorrow. Instead go out and get drunk Lil Wayne style. A hangover will improve your clarity.
Being in tune with other people’s feelings will give you a peptic ulcer from all the extra stress radiating from your friends.
What’s this? Winter break has been delayed until February! Hmm… It seems that the man wants you to work even harder for your freedom.
I have bad news for you: you will always have to work until you meet someone rich or die. Living your dream is impossible in today’s world. You will have to settle for mediocrity.
The outside world is no place for dreamers like you. Instead, live inside a crummy apartment and be alone with your thoughts forever.
Uh-oh! It seems like your credit card got maxed out again. You know what to do now. Time to flee the country.
Your body is telling you to eat nothing but Big Macs for the rest of your life to raise awareness for obesity. I suppose what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Laurels? You don’t get any laurels to rest on! Your job is to work without my spiritual guidance for the rest of your natural life.