How to cancel people who try to roast you

Warning: these are cheap shots

By EG Manilag, Staff Writer

For most of us, there are times when we get roasted by our family, friends, or even our loved ones. But it’s all good, because the Other Press has got you covered with these extremely useful tips when you get confronted by your roaster.

But, before you try to counter anyone who tries to roast you, make sure that you have at least eight or more friends tagged along in the conversation. That way, the cancelling process will get even better, more exciting, more fun, and long-lasting. It’s not a roast without an audience.

Say “chew some gum”

What could be more annoying and disrespectful than loudly and personally handing someone some chewy mints because their roast stinks? This phrase would literally send the roaster straight down into the murky depths of embarrassment, especially when they awkwardly try to smell their breath for confirmation.

Say “at least I don’t have herpes”

One of the ways to disorderly change the roasting is to say something from the gutter, the subhead above being an example. No doubt, this phrase is direct and can make your roaster shocked and weirded out—and make your friends even laugh more.

Even if the roasted tries to explain himself, which is not a really good idea, he’ll just get laughed at… hard. For sure, he’ll try to say this phrase: “Guys! I don’t have herpes!” And then you’ll say “Yeah, of course you don’t!”

Say “at least I don’t have a gristled penis”

Say it loudly, like you’re super annoyed, and then quickly change your facial expression—like you’re super worried and authentically regretful that you said those words. Then add, “Oh, sorry, bro. I didn’t… I didn’t mean…” This will absolutely make you sound convincing to the audience, transferring their intended laughs to the roaster, and maybe the roaster’s chopped up meat.  

Roast yourself first

If everything seems to be going wrong because your friend is just a total late-night show comedian, then the best solution and the only one you’ll ever get is to simply roast yourself first. That’s right. You heard me. Roasting yourself before anyone does can ultimately save your butt from burning. At the end of the day, the only thing you can do if the roasting is really feisty and accurate is quietly smile and die inside.