Step aside, Jingle Jangle, there’s a new kid in town
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Police officers raided the Riverdale writers’ room last Monday, seizing large amounts of the street drug known as “Fizzle Rocks.”
“We had multiple sources come to us and tip us off that there were illegal substances both on and off-set of the CW’s Riverdale,” said David Buckley, Chief of Police. “But no sign was as clear-cut to us as the horrible, disjointed writing from season three.”
Outsiders say that the mismanaged plotlines, abruptly killed characters, and strange romantic pairings could only come from the minds of people under the influence of heavy hallucinogens.
“We found an oodle o’ Fizzle Rocks on set,” said Buckley. “That’s not a joke, it’s how doses of Fizzle Rocks are measured. You couldn’t make this shit up unless you were really, really high.”
Writers in the writing room took a reported amount of half a smidge of Fizzle Rocks before sitting down to bang out an episode. Other Press reporters talked to Cynthia Morrison, a narcotics specialist, to learn more about the drug.
“Fizzle Rocks are similar to LSD in the way that they cause the user to hallucinate and experience intense emotions and sensory distortions. It also causes one to think that large, sudden plot changes with no follow-through or continuation are valid things to put on public television.”
Morrison, like other narcotics specialists, knows that the lasting damages of Fizzle Rocks could be long-term.
“I don’t think we’ll ever see a season as concise as season one, where no drugs were used at all. We’re looking at a sharp decline of viewers, tapering to a hasty ending and then a Netflix special in about 10 to 15 years.”
“If they ever want a chance at that special, they should all start doing cocaine,” Morrison added.
Longtime viewers of the show said they weren’t surprised at the news.
“I’ve been watching Riverdale since it first came out,” said Bethany Saunders, superfan. “I was along for the ride until Gryphons and Gargoyles. Even the name of the game sounds lame as fuck.”
“Why is Veronica’s cabaret ‘illegal?’ They don’t even serve any alcohol there!” said longtime viewer Jeremy Schisler. “And why does she tell her dad all of her plans when he’s clearly a bad guy?”
“Didn’t they put Riverdale under lockdown? How did Jughead’s mom and sister just pull into town? Why are people still having seizures? What is going on?!” cried Saunders.
“I will definitely be tuning in each week, either way,” added Schisler.
“We’ll get the writers sobered up as soon as we can,” said Buckley. “Hopefully they have a couple good episodes left in ’em. After that, who knows. They’ll probably move them to another show that accepts ‘Fizzleheads.’ Maybe Supernatural?”