How to get a life

When in doubt, wear yourself out

By Sonam Kaloti, Arts Editor

Have you ever taken a moment on a Monday morning to smell the roses and suddenly realized it’s Friday two months later and all you have marked on your calendar is National Donut Day? Perhaps you meant to smell the roses but you tripped and the thorns in your side kept you in bed for months unable to get up, becoming so used to the thorns that you felt as though you were one, and you no longer needed the roses—in fact, you figured you’d never smell them again—until one day your mind said “Hey, get up,” and you saw the sun again. Well, that’s great and all until you see everyone you know frolicking in the garden with no band aids or scars and you’re reminded, “Damn… I’m behind.” Well then, it’s time to pick yourself back up, silly.

You’ve got energy again (finally) and your manic mind is ready to take on the challenge of getting a life. Here’s how to fill your schedule up so much that your friends will need to make an appointment to see you, because that’s what we want, you future busy bee, you.

Step one

Apply to med school… just for kicks. No, it’s not for your actual career (you’re already in a fall/winter program at school in an Art program). This is so you actually earn money someday. Register in another college for some online summer courses and realize you have to do three pre-requisite courses and cry. Then spend $140 on a textbook. Then cry again. Chin up—happy tears.

Step two

Take Biology 12 at an adult learning centre. You’re telling me you took Earth Science for a reason and really really don’t want to go back to high school after finally escaping that treacherous place? Well, you’ve got the energy and drive now, so face your fears. It’s just pictures of bloody internal organs—and who doesn’t want to memorize what the mitochondria is? Besides, you already know, don’t you?

Step three

Your courses start in a couple weeks so you still feel too free and believe you can fly. All good—just become a volunteer. Maybe you wanted to volunteer somewhere hands-on so you could be active. Looks like the only position available is in an office. You’re still helping people, though—right? (Does it make you a bad person to not take the opportunity? Don’t ask me.)

Step four

You need a job in the meantime. Spend hours trying to list the perfect interests on your resume to make yourself seem both fun but also reliable.

Step five

You should probably do something about those thorns in your side… they’re not looking too good. Oh, and something about those ghosts you keep talking to that tickle your head and tell you to fulfill a mission from God himself. Call a doctor.

Step six

Buy a bigger calendar.

Step seven

Go to the ER three times after you get a terrible allergic reaction to the medication your doctor put you on. Flowers are the worst. After another week of being bound to your bed surrounded by Tylenol, Advil, and Claritin for that rash, you burn down the garden and decide to take up skateboarding instead.

Step eight

Get blackmailed by a family member to renovate their house. Suddenly you’re building a shed every evening.

Step nine

What day is it?

Step ten

No call backs yet but have hope! Someone’s got to hire you—just look at your work ethic!

Step eleven

You’ve achieved your goal! Congratulations, your voicemails are so full your friends can’t even leave messages to make appointments. You have so much of a life that you haven’t slept in days because you want to be living all the time. Maybe buy a cactus. You can’t smell it, so there’s no future danger, obviously. It’s time to grind, baby!