Meteorologists predict Hurricane Commercialism to touch down in Lower Mainland

Citizens warned to stay at home and ‘not buy so much unnecessary crap’

By Brody Steves, Contributor

Local meteorologists are warning residents of the Lower Mainland to stay at home this upcoming weekend, as the hurricane being dubbed ‘Commercialism’ is expected to touch down on late Friday afternoon.

“What we’re seeing here is an intense, low pressure buildup occurring over the downtown of Vancouver, particularly around Harbour Centre where a slew of new stores have reportedly just opened in time for the holidays,” said local meteorologist Candice Pinkerton during a morning broadcast on Monday. “Once enough warm water vapour has accumulated by the strong winds, the entire Lower Mainland will be in for one hell of a ride.”

Despite several efforts put in place by the city of Vancouver to effectively prepare against hurricanes, such as hurricane-resistant architecture and “vertical evacuation” shelters built to reduce the loss of life, meteorologists have confirmed through extensive research of previous hurricane activity on the West Coast, and were hoping to use the information gathered to help prepare the population.

Areas expected to be hit the hardest by Hurricane Commercialism are Granville Street, Commercial Drive, Main Street, Metrotown Mall, and Lougheed Town Centre. Meteorologists are warning people living in the aforementioned areas to flee their homes immediately and to avoid stopping at Target along the way for new throw pillows.

“We’re encouraging residents who live around those areas to possibly stay with a friend in one of the more commercially desolate areas of Vancouver,” advised city councilman Robert Shue in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “Like Marpole or perhaps towards the south eastern part of the city. There’s nothing over there, so people should feel safe knowing that they won’t be spending their money on frivolous purchases.”

Hurricane Commercialism is expected to last for the next one to two months, depending on how long businesses hope to squeeze blood out of the holiday stones known as Christmas and Boxing Week.

“To be quite honest with you,” Shue continued, “I believe this pending disaster could have been avoided if we’d taken the proper precautions. If more people were encouraged to buy gift cards or maybe shop using Etsy, we wouldn’t be faced with this kind of situation.”

Meteorologists have been warning of such an impending disaster for years, saying that the West Coast, BC in particular, has been long overdue for “the big one”—referring, of course, to a hurricane. Earlier reports have put the likelihood of a hurricane like Commercialism at somewhere between a 10 and 15 per cent chance of happening in the next 50 years—predictions that now seem rather optimistic.