The best advice from the world’s foremost advice-giver!
By Adalard Skiddly, Advice Consultant
The world is a tiresome, stressful, unforgiving place. Whether it be love, finances, school, work, family, friendship, politics, health, fashion, or food, I—Adalard Skiddly—have a wealth of knowledge to draw upon to offer my best expertastical advice.
My boss at work is totally unreasonable! She changes my shifts every two days so I never know when I’m working and schedules me for days I have booked off. She also bullies some of the other staff members and jokes about it when I’m on break. I would stand up to her, but I’m afraid to lose my job. Also, I think I’m the only employee she likes. She doesn’t actively try to destroy my self-esteem, at any rate. What should I do?
– Ugh L
Dear Ugh L,
Here’s what you do.
Work at that company for as long as it takes. Get promoted. Get keys for your boss’s office. Hack into her computer. Start messing with some of the files—carefully—to make her reports to her boss look riddled with mistakes. Hide your trail. Stalk your boss’s boss. Pretend to randomly run into them. Buy them a drink. Become their best friend. Officiate at their wedding. Mention your boss. Act surprised when they say they’re your boss’s boss. Slowly feed them the information that your boss is incompetent. Watch your boss eventually get fired. Take your boss’s place. Find your new boss’s boss. Continue this process until you own the company. Reflect on where your sociopathic behaviour has gotten you in life. Ask yourself if it was worth it. Was any of it worth it?
Or, I don’t know, quit, maybe? She sounds like a jerk and I’m sure you could get a better job elsewhere.
I wish I was doing better in school!
– C Average
Dear C Average,
Recently I came down with what I thought was the flu. However, upon suffering these symptoms for longer than a few days, I decided to look them up online. According to WebMD, I have listeria, meningitis, flesh-eating bacteria, Mad Cow disease, Legionnaire’s, brain cancer (in my left foot), halitosis, and lupus. Should I be worried?
I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure everything is fine, and remember, the internet lies all the time. You’re totally going to be okay.
(Please remember how comforting and kind I was to you in your hour of need when you next update your will, which, as an extra piece of advice, I suggest you do ASAP.)
The person I’m dating just told me I eat too much (and not in a good way). I don’t know what to do.
Eat them. And not in a good way.
Do you have a burning question for Adalard? You can e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line “Ask Adalard.”