Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Donât let things bother you today. Just live in the future. That presentation that was worth 45 per cent of your final grade certainly wonât matter 100 years from now.
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Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Find a wide-open field to frolic in today. You should also wear a white dress even if youâre a male. That way, youâll be prepared for your starring role in an old sanitary napkin commercial.
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Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Tap into some electrifying energy today by sticking your finger in a light socket. It may be the last burst of energy youâll ever get!
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Aries
(3/21-4/19)
A stranger is just a friend you havenât met. So go ahead, pick up that hitchhiker on the side of the road! Iâm sure that âStabby the Clownâ is just an affectionate nickname.
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Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Youâre taking off to the stars today! Those mad scientists needed another temp agency worker for their space experiment. On the bright side, youâll meet some wisecracking robots!
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Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Hmm. It appears that after trying my Perfectly Legitimate⢠Chinese spring cure, youâve been turned into the opposite gender. Get ready for some wacky misadventures and an ongoing romantic subplot that wonât end until the final chapter of your life.
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Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Your words have a lot of power today. But donât get too cocky. Another infamous personâs words had a lot of power behind them as well. That old lady that said âWhereâs the Beef?â is still influencing young peopleâs fast food choices across the globe.
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Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Itâs time to get out of the dirt. I know you think living aboveground is too mainstream, but Iâve also heard that the moles youâve been living with have been complaining about you not paying your share of the rent.
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Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
Donât wait for someone else to make the first move. Youâre playing a game of Solitaire.
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Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Today can bring anything, but just not the dry, hot sun over the Lower Mainland.
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Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Make sure that you do everything equally today. For every old lady you help cross the street, youâll have to push the same number of old ladies into traffic.
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Sagittarius
(11/22-12/22)
Nowâs the time to stop and rest a while. Midterms wonât be for another week and a bit. Try to invent a new drinking game!
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With files from Livia Turnbull.
