Your horoscopes

Your future… but only if everything goes terribly wrong

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we like to think of ourselves as a guiding force in the lives of the student body. And what better way to guide than through the mystical art of astrology and subtle mental manipulations? With that in mind, here are your horoscopes for the week.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY…

By the arrangement of the sun in relation to the Earth’s orbit, we can say with confidence that you are one year older than you were this time last year. This is astounding, and ought to be celebrated! How wonderful it is that the rapid spin of our planet has not yet launched you into the stratosphere, and that you remain here with us.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

This week, be careful to mind your ps and qs. The ps have been growing restless, and have grouped around a dynamic new leader codenamed “Capital P.” The qs have already staged a mutiny. Betrayal is upon you. You must choose now, as the benevolent leader of these letters, how best to proceed…

Illustration by Ed Appleby

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

There is a saying to keep in mind this week, Taurus: “It is better to arrive late in this world, than early in the next.” It is a general warning against reckless haste, but we believe it should be taken one step further. You must arrive late to all of your engagements this week, Taurus. It’s for your own good.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

Ah, fair Gemini. This week—nay, this month—promises to bring changes into your life. Some things are bound to be different, while others are likely to remain the same. There will be new people that you meet that you won’t like, and others who you might decide are pretty okay. What an exciting time it is to be you!

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

We know you’re suffering, Cancer—sneezing and sniffling, coughing into handkerchiefs on public transit instead of into your palm like a disgustingly sensible human being. We can assure you that we’ve checked the alignment of Neptune in relation to your star chart, and we’re happy to conclude that you don’t have lupus! It’s probably just hay fever. Still sucks to be you, though.

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

This week you will be faced with a plethora of decisions, Leo. You will be asked to decide on life-changing issues such as what to have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; how best to avert traffic to arrive at your destination on time; and what clothes to wear on any given day. We have no answers for you, sweet Leo. It’s all up to you.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

This week promises to look up for you! And down. And both ways before crossing the street. It’s a week of awareness, is what it is. It promises to turn out pretty much the exact same as every other week before it.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

There has been something weighing on your mind recently, Libra. Something constantly on your brain that you can’t quite shake. We’re here to help you out with the answer: It’s your hair. You really need a haircut, Libra. It’s time to smooth out those split ends and take a little weight off your shoulders.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Time is your friend this week, Scorpio! Your very best friend. Maybe more than that, in fact. Maybe a lot more. It’s something that’s been brewing between the two of you for a while now, you and Time, but neither of you have had the guts to say it out loud. Profess your feelings for time, Scorpio—now, before it’s too late!

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

You’re in a good mood this week, Sagittarius! It definitely feels like things are going just swell for you. Well, we are absolutely chuffed on your behalf. Our only advice is this: Enjoy it while it lasts.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

This week, you will be asked to do some things. This is very upsetting, as you famously despise doing things. However, it will upset a great many people if you do not do these things, so you might as well do them with the hope that no one will ask you to do things ever again.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

There is someone in your life who is trying to tell you something, Aquarius. It’s likely not very important or terribly interesting. However, if you face them directly while they’re telling you the thing, and you nod every few moments, they will probably think you’re listening to them intently and they will be very pleased with you! We suggest this course of action.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

Once again, we reach the end of the horoscopes with nothing terribly interesting to say about you, Pisces. It really is quite unfortunate that you’re all the way down here at the bottom. Our suggestion should you want to change your situation is to contact Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson and offer her tribute in the form of food, wine, and money. You just might get a decent horoscope out of it.