Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy
In the style of ‘Mean Girls’
By Mercedes Deutscher, Staff Writer
This past weekend, the Academy Awards took place, and they were so fetch!
Everyone showed up dressed to impress, especially if they went to 135. If not, they could always try Sears.
While everyone on the red carpet looked great, there was some animosity between guests, specifically Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.
“Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends,” vented Aniston. “That’s just, like, the rules of feminism!”
While some drama was present outside of the movies, Jennifer Lawrence, accompanied by Bradley Cooper, urged her fellow actors and actresses to be civil.
“I wish we could all get along just like we did in film school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy!” she begged.
Cooper responded, “Are you even nominated?”
“No,” replied Lawrence. “I just have a lot of feelings.”
This year’s ceremony was hosted by none other than Neil Patrick Harris. However, NPH wasn’t the only one considered to host the legendary show.
“Why should Neil get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet?” retorted Chris Rock. “What’s so great about Neil? Hmm? I’m just as smart as Neil. People totally like me just as much as Neil. And when did it become okay for just one person to be the host of this ceremony? Because that’s not what the Academy Awards are about. We should totally just stab Neil!”
After Rock was escorted out by security, the awards began.
NPH started by warning the audience and guests that behaviours similar to what had happened at the Grammys were unacceptable.
“Don’t be a Kanye. Because you will get booed. And die.”
The ceremony went on smoothly. Julianne Moore proceeded to take home the Oscar for Best Actress. In her speech, she gave a shout-out to the audience—and some catty words to her fellow nominees.
“I’m sorry that everyone is so jealous of me,” said Moore, “But I can’t help it that I’m popular.”
Big Hero 6 won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature. When later questioned on how the movie would have fared if The Lego Movie would have been nominated, director Don Hall responded, “Oh my god, you can’t just ask why movies aren’t nominated!”
Best Picture was given to Birdman, as well as three other Oscars. Four for Birdman! You go, Birdman! And none for Leonardo DiCaprio, bye.
