Sexy Halloween costumes to make you stand out
By Mercedes Deutscher, News Editor
Are you still stumped for a costume, mere days before Halloween? Looking to be the belle or the beau of the spooky ball? Here before you is a sure-fire guide to the perfect costume for this Halloween.
If you go to the party in a Sexy Harambe costume, people will go bananas. You might as well just become the embodiment of the Cincinnati Zoo at that point, because everyone in the room will want to drop a kid on you. Just be aware that the people around you might become more animalistic, and they may take their dicks out for you as you walk the halls. Anyway, it’s worth a shot.
Sexy Douglas WiFi
Not only does everyone love a sexy costume, but they love a good magician. Wow them with your looks, before you wow them with your crazy disappearing trick.
Sexy Donald Trump
Have you been putting up a wall around your confidence at past Halloween parties? Well, that’s about to become a thing of the past with sexy Donald Trump. Your comb-over is bound to woo, your blatant racism will be enough to make anyone weak in the knees, and it only costs a small loan of a million dollars. Pro-tip for picking up women in this costume: Call them nasty and tell them you’re going to limit their choices regarding their bodily autonomy. Modern women love that—it drives them crazy with lust.
Sexy Hillary Clinton
Okay, so maybe Sexy Donald Trump isn’t your thing. Maybe your heart is blue, through and through. Maybe you get off on watching women delete emails. Either way, sexy Hillary Clinton will have you turning heads as everyone calls you Madam Secretary.
Sexy Chicken Nugget
Perhaps the sexiest costume at all. Sexy Chicken Nugget will have you feeling McSensual, and leave everyone else around you feeling hungry for more. Sexy Chicken Nugget is tanned around the edges and oh-so-saucy. Sure, maybe you’re sexualizing your childhood, but who hasn’t?
No, we don’t mean a sexy Wade Wilson (Have you seen what he looks like under that mask? Definitely not sexy!). No, we mean a literal dead pool. Getting hot and steamy is easy when you are the costumed embodiment of eutrophication. Sure, maybe you have some excess phosphorus and nitrogen, but it’s Halloween! Now is the time to be excessive… well, now and the other 364 days of the year, in regards to pollution.
Celebrate Pokémon’s 20-year anniversary by once again sexualizing your childhood. We recommend dressing as sexy Ditto. I mean, let’s face it, there’s so much you can do with Ditto, and Ditto has always been the most attractive Pokémon. Seriously, that fictional Pocket Monster gets laid more than I do.