By Joel MacKenzie, Modern Paranoid Citizen
Something cataclysmic is going to happen soon. Look at the world we live in: filled with diseases, war, meteors, terrorists, bombs, governments, and YouTube. In all likelihood, we’ll be facing the extinction of the entire human race within our lifetimes. The only rational ways to react to these possibly threatening situations is to (1) consider what could go wrong, (2) try to warn the sheeple, and (3) be prepared for everything.
However, if you’re like how I was, you’re afraid that this newfound awareness will interfere with your active lifestyle. It doesn’t have to. Below are a few of my favourite exercises that coincide with heightened awareness of bombs, bird flus, heart conditions, earthquake likelihoods, kids with guns, and terrorism.
Aerobic
Aerobic exercises are meant to make your heart healthier. Running and swimming both take too long and cost too much to do regularly. Instead, try simply focusing on one of the strongest fears in your mind at any given moment. Your heart will pound and if you’re like me, you’ll start to sweat too. Try to concentrate on the fear for an hour. You’ll probably have to make the imagined situations worse and worse. To add to that, you’ll need water.
I’ve had the best experience focusing this fear on something common, like eating. I went years without a complete meal, but a healthy heart. More recently, I’ve focused it on sleeping.
Anaerobic
These are exercises meant to increase muscles’ strength. As a man who loves sprinting, I like to use this technique: wriggle to the middle of a crowd of individuals in a city or a mall. Practice sprinting as fast as possible from the inside to the outside of the group, or perhaps from one group to another.
Nothing beats the true fear and agility involved in real-life Frogger. Dart into streets and jump out of the way of cars. Just make sure to get in front of them fast: drivers that see you are more likely to slow down, or report you to the THOUGHT POLICE.
These exercises can be easily made much harder while wearing your emergency backpack, field boots, or shit-hits-the-wall fanny pack.
Flexibility
Flexibility exercises work on increasing muscles’ range of motion. There is really no alternative to yoga. Practical yoga moves can be incorporated into everyday situations. Duck and cover in child’s pose; duck and cover in corpse pose; duck and cover in reclining hero pose; or even duck and cover in Marichyasana I.
There’s always time for exercise, and to run more drills.
