Tonight on television, a surprising revelation will leave you hanging open-mouthed on the edge of your seat. Yes, tonight you will finally be able to find out who shot J.R.! … Whadya’ mean that’s old news?



I’ve heard that horoscopes and the like are considered “occult sciences.” Where did they come up with that idea? I’ve never been involved with anything Satanic, unless you count that pentagram I drew on a church wall in Texas. Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t get caught for doing that. I told them it was your brother that did it.



You’ll most likely get lucky today when the slacker in your group turns in their part of the project that’s worth 25 per cent of your grade. But if the slacker doesn’t help, don’t worry about it because they are going to be hit by a bus—wait, this is my sign!



It’s time to break free from your daily routine and become an entrepreneur. Since Remembrance Day is coming up, why don’t you try starting your own frozen poppy stand? I’m sure it’ll be a hit with the veterans.



Today, you will find yourself suddenly being dropped off of a very large building from a great height. You really, really don’t want to know how that one turns out for you.



Have I talked about the wonders of technology yet? Well, it’s not really a wonder as much as it is a double-edged sword. You can use technology to better your schoolwork or you can spend an entire day watching funny cat videos.



Spending a lot of time toiling away on research papers is causing mountainous woes for your partner, who is sick of ordering Chinese for the fifth night in a row. Get off the chair and tell your partner to go buy you a frozen dinner. 



The planets say that your workplace is finally going to upgrade their operating systems to Windows ME. I always thought that version of Windows was overlooked compared to Windows XP.



Some close friends of yours are recommending this groundbreaking book called Latawnya, The Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs. I read it once and thought it was an insightful look into the life of a horse on a ghetto ranch.



Today, you will be greeted at the door by a gang of mobsters telling you to pay off a million dollar debt or they’ll rearrange your face. Meanwhile, I’ll be on a plane heading off to Vegas.



Take a short journey through your neighbourhood and marvel at the sight of so many people staying indoors because it’s way too cold out. Well, forget them. After all, you’re an individual, not a conformist.



Today, you will get a lot money from a lottery ticket that you found lying in the street. However, the ticket’s 24 years old.

With files from Livia Turnbull