Advice for those too incompetent to live their own lives

Stupid questions, intelligent answers

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Dear Cazzy: Recently when refurbishing my basement to become a home office and setting up space for two filing cabinets, I accidentally unleashed a portal to Hell. Ethereal demons, sulfur and brimstone, and the wails of tortured souls are now haunting our basement 24/7.

Would you recommend a double-sized filing cabinet or two smaller sized? It’s important they’re made of steel, as the aluminum is constantly burnt by the expulsion of Satan’s breath. We’re storing thousands of important government documents.

– Concerned Bureaucrat

First of all, I’d like to say that working in a home office that happens to be literal Hell is still less Hell than a standard office workplace. Congratulations on setting up what most people are too weak/insane/cheap to do.

As for the important elements of your question, may I suggest saving space and money by simply stacking the documents on top of each other? Any papers accidentally destroyed by hellfire mean nothing compared to the money and time you’ll save from working at home.

Dear Cazzy: I’m going on a date tomorrow and I’ve come to realize she’s actually a spy for an intergalactic lizard army. Her plot is to exploit me for Earth secrets and report back to the Commander, enslaving humanity for thousands of years to come.

What restaurants do you recommend to suit the unique cultural palate of my new girlfriend? I was looking for a place that served mealworms and cockroaches, but McDonald’s doesn’t seem like a very fancy spot for a date.

Also, do you happen to know the nuclear launch codes and vital government passwords needed to exterminate the human race? My girlfriend was wondering for some reason.

– Alien to Dating

McDonald’s is absolutely too unappealing for the first date. I’m not too familiar with what lizard soldiers eat, but it seems like your best bet would be your local Quiznos.

The nuclear launch codes are easily accessible using Google: the passwords are “1234” and “password.” Gotta love that Freedom of Information Act.

I for one welcome our new lizard overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted journalist personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground rock caves.