Hollywood studios forced to cast white actors in Asian roles instead
By Rebecca Peterson, Staff Writer
The arts world was shocked to the core this past week to learn that every single actor of Asian descent, young and old, has been abducted by aliens.
This announcement from Hollywood came in answer to the many questionable casting choices made these past months, from casting Tilda Swinton as a Tibetan character in the upcoming Marvel movie Doctor Strange, to casting Scarlett Johansson as a character named Motoko Kusanagi in Ghost in the Shell, even exploring options to make her appear “more Asian” on film.
In light of the public backlash over these decisions, John Smith, a Disney executive, spoke to reporters this past week to deliver the horrifying news.
“If there were any Asian actors, you know, we’d totally cast Asian actors,” Smith said, with an odd laugh. “We’re not racist or anything. The fact of the matter is, we needed actors that would attract audiences, and Asian actors, well…”
Smith trailed off awkwardly, causing the press to ask where exactly he was going with that sentence. “They’ve all been abducted,” he said shortly. “So there are actually no Asian actors left. At all. It’s really very unfortunate.”
Many reporters pressed for scientific evidence of the mass abduction of Asian performers, but have so far been denied this request.
When asked how this sudden loss of all Asian actors might affect the film industry, Smith produced yet another odd laugh.
“I mean, it is unfortunate, but it’s not like we’ve really needed them anyway, right?” Smith said, shrugging. “Hollywood has a long, proud history of making due with the actors we’ve got, and the public has been very accepting of that. Honestly, implying that white people can’t play diversified roles is really just its own kind of racism, isn’t it? Why should white people be pigeonholed into white roles? Just look at that recent Christian Bale movie, Exodus. They cast a Welsh guy as a Middle-Eastern person and an Australian as an Egyptian, and it turned out just fine!”
It was promptly pointed out to Smith that Exodus: Gods and Kings tanked, largely in part to the white-washing of the main cast.
“Oh, well, what about Stonewall?” Smith said. “I mean, the people who originally started the Stonewall Riots that the movie is based on were transgender women of color, but they cast a bunch of cisgender white men, and-”
The reporters pointed out that Stonewall, too, tanked horrifically at the box office.
“Well,” Smith said uncomfortably. “Remember when M. Night Shyamalan produced a live action version of Avatar: The Last Airbender?”
Reporters at the press conference promptly began throwing tomatoes at Smith, who was forced to flee the stage. Upon his hasty exit, Smith was overheard saying the following to an advisor: “I don’t think they bought it. We’re going to have to come up with something else.”