Unprecedented number of flower crowns brings Coachella to an early end

Photo illustration
Photo illustration

Swarms of bees too much for festival staff to handle

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Attendees of California’s famous Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival had their weekend cut short after a massive raid by swarms of vicious bees.

Local beekeeper Frank Hudson said that the festival “had it coming.”

“I say it every year, and no one listens,” Hudson said during a phone call. “It’s those damn flower crowns. A crowd at Coachella is basically a moving garden.”

The bees attacked late Saturday afternoon, approaching in a roving swarm that blocked out the sun. Many festival goers were too intoxicated to realize that the thousands upon thousands of flying insects were not just a simple cloud, and as such had no time to find cover or protection.

Dozens have been killed, and hundreds sustained bee sting injuries. The unfortunate fallen had all sported the biggest flowers crowns at the festival, and as such were the biggest targets of the air-born pollinators.

“I told her not to wear it,” said James Henderson, boyfriend of one of the victims whose family has asked to remain nameless. “I told her five sunflowers, three roses, and a dozen camellias was way too many flowers to wear to a festival, but she just wouldn’t listen!”

Henderson admits he never thought that this would come of the flowery headwear, and was more concerned with his late girlfriend’s neck hurting under such weight, or that she would be blocking the view of those standing in the crowd behind her.

“I just thought it was kind of an unnecessary trend that she was buying into,” he said through tears. “Had I known it would have led to the end of her life, I would have burned it long before we drove out here.”

Festival staff released a statement shortly after the attack, explaining that the fault is not on them, and that precautions will be taken during future festivals to insure that a similar incident does not happen again.

“We are sorry that the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival was cut short this year due to the actions of many of our attendees,” the statement read, “but we can assure our fans that we will rally from this incident and come back next year bigger and better than ever. Strict regulations will be placed on flower crowns of any sort to stop any chance of an incident of this size happening again.”

It is estimated that roughly 40 per cent of all Coachella attendees were sporting a flower crown of some sort during the attack, translating to around 80,000 flower crowns, and 250,000 individual flowers.