Everyday questions of the paranormal answered
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Occult,
Ever since winter officially began, I have been cursed and followed by a traditional First Nations’ spirit known as the Wendigo. From the time I leave school to the time I enter my house, there is a solid hour of the spirit wailing and threatening to devour my entire body. On the bus going throughout downtown, it claws at the window and shrieks, and it waits outside my house for me to step out again. How can I reduce this torment?
– Innocent Victim
Dear Innocent Victim,
Which bus are you taking home? If it’s the 17, you could reduce your commute by as much as half an hour by taking the 20 instead: it’s the same route and comes much more often.
As for the Wendigo, barring a ritual involving your own execution by a shaman, the hauntings unfortunately will continue.
Regards,
Mr. Occult
Dear Mr. Occult,
I suffer from vampirism, and it’s getting harder and harder to treat this condition. You can’t just slaughter someone off the street anymore: there are investigations and fingerprints now! I used to prey at the local university. Their blood was the freshest! But do you know how hard it is to find a virgin there these days? I’m currently detained in prison, and on trial after consuming my latest meal. I was very hungry! Please help me obtain more blood.
Regards,
Dr. Acula
Dear Dr. Acula,
Being that vampirism not only requires a special diet but is also a medical condition, the prison authorities are obliged to offer you an alternative in meals. However, spilling the blood of humans for consumption remains illegal. I suggest the authorities work with a local chapter of the Red Cross to utilize contaminated blood from drives to reduce your hunger.
Regards,
Mr. Occult
Dear Mr. Occult,
A very sexy ghost is in my apartment. He first appeared soon after I moved in: tall, ripped, gorgeous locks, and transparent. I was in the shower when I felt a cool breeze behind me; at first I was terrified, but then he took me in his cold, cold arms and it’s been bliss ever since. He may be intangible and trapped in the limbo between mortality and the afterlife, but frankly he’s still a better lover than my ex. Do you know of any churches or courthouses that will help us get married?
– Haunted by Love
Dear Haunted by Love,
Frankly, I think you need to go see a psychologist. Ghosts aren’t real! Have you considered the possibility you’re just having a vivid fantasy, perhaps brought on by drugs, alcohol, mental illness, or an empty feeling from your last breakup? I can’t believe people still believe in ghosts in the 21st century.
If you have any questions about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, aliens, fairies, demons, yetis, leprechauns, the Loch Ness Monster, unicorns, basilisks, or honest politicians, feel free to write again. Otherwise, please don’t waste my time.
Regards,
Mr. Occult
