Festival attendees frantic to douse flames

Younger geographic taking responsibility for our forests

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

With the recent arrival of dry weather creating massive forest fires throughout BC, one group has risen above the rest in the effort to keep our forests safe.

Festival-going youth have, surprisingly, taken it upon themselves to spearhead the efforts in conserving BC’s beautiful forests, and douse the flames threatening our homes, our air, and, most importantly, our music festivals.

“It’s just a real tragedy,” said Eric Wells, a student of 19. “These fires are out of control, and no one seems to care. People toss their cigarettes around carelessly; it’s as if they don’t know about the real damage it can do. I almost missed PembyFest because of all this. If I didn’t get to see Kendrick Lamar, my summer would have been as ruined as those hundreds of acres of forest, so we gotta do something to stop this.”

Many music lovers have been affected by the fires, and most are working round the clock to ensure that their favourite festivals will go uninterrupted this summer.

“Yeah, we’ve got a few thousand up in Squamish, assisting the fire department,” Wells explained. “There are also almost 100 of us in the campgrounds, 24/7 rain dancing.”

Evidently the leading concern for the festival attendees is the fire ban caused by the dry forests. “We need it to rain,” Wells said. “Otherwise the ban will be on and we can’t smoke cigarettes or joints during the festival. And if you can’t do that, what’s even the point, you know?”

“I just can’t believe the damage all this fire stuff can cause,” Courtney Lure, 22, tells us. “It’s like, it totally kills the vibe, with all the smoke and whatever. We can’t have that, it makes for bad trips.”

Upon further investigation, it was made clear that Ms. Lure was not referring to “road trips,” or road conditions. “I have $600 invested in this summer’s festivals, losing that would probably be the biggest buzzkill of the whole summer,” she complained.

It’s also terrible for the wildlife,” Jon Mills explained to us, after taking a short break from his hacky sack circle. “I mean, the fires just ravage everything in their way, and I know of a few great grow-ops all over BC. It would be a pity if those burned with all the other worthless trees or whatever.”

When asked about concern for the fires raging in northern BC, or any plans to help those firefighters in their struggle, Mills was dumbfounded. “There are no festivals up there this summer, why does it matter?”