Vote for your favourite today!
By Caroline Ho, Assistant Editor
Can’t decide how to vote in the upcoming referendum on BC electoral reform? The province has just made things even simpler.
BC’s Really Independent Group for Great Electoral Decisions (RIGGED) has added to the referendum three new potential electoral systems that they promise are “really, really fair, like really,” according to RIGGED chairperson Demi O’Crassy.
“These proposed electoral systems are the result of a long series of studies and public consultations,” said O’Crassy at a press conference last Thursday. “After examining a combination of angry Twitter rants, low-effort Reddit memes, and Facebook polls about flavours of bubble tea, we feel that we have adequately and comprehensively gauged the political climate of BC. We conclude that our proposed voting systems are infallibly brilliant.”
The first system announced is Ranked Projectile Scoring. In each electoral district, the names of all candidates will be arranged on a standard-sized dart board, with a different point value assigned to each spot. On election day, voters will stand a fixed distance away from the board and vote by throwing darts, scoring points for the candidates based on where the projectile lands. The candidate who receives the most points will become the district’s representative.
“I know it doesn’t sound that fair,” said O’Crassy. “But trust me, we’ve got algorithms to figure this stuff out. Where candidates’ names are placed, how many darts you get—we have algorithms, I’m telling you. We have the best algorithms.”
Another proposed system is Portional Consumption (colloquially known as “First-past-the-puke”). This system does away with electoral districts in favour of a province-wide process of elimination. All candidates who hope to gain a legislative seat will convene in Victoria for a week-long eating competition, broadcasted province-wide. Registered voters don’t vote for candidates directly, instead voting for the foods that every candidate must devour. Legislative hopefuls are kicked out of the running when they stop eating—one way or another.
RIGGED vice president Paul E. Mint told reporters, “It’s such a logical system. It’s a politician’s job to make the public swallow as much garbage as possible. Ergo, it makes sense to turn the tables.”
O’Crassy added, “Just please don’t literally turn the tables when they have food on them. We don’t have the budget to clean that up.”
The final electoral system RIGGED unveiled is Rural-Urban Perquisition, a never-before-seen system specifically designed for BC’s eclectic geography of controversial bike lanes, increasing gentrification, and long swathes of highway that become inaccessible after a good snowfall.
“Every candidate must participate in a month-long scavenger hunt across all of BC,” said Mint. “From the southernmost tip of Vancouver Island to the Northwest Territories border, prospective MLAs will embark on a series of kayak trips, rush-hour commutes, and caribou rides in search of elusive treasures to prove their merit.”
RIGGED was unwilling to specify what candidates would be hunting for. However, O’Crassy hinted that the items on the list would include elusive rarities such as “non-hipster coffee houses” and “affordable housing.”
At the end of each day, the electorate votes for which candidates to eliminate based on a set of completely arbitrary criteria. Legislature will be comprised of whoever completes the scavenger hunt without being knocked out by either the electorate or Mother Nature.
Douglas College Political Science professor Dr. Elle Lector spoke to the Other Press to weigh in on the proposed new systems.
“Personally, I’m in favour of Ranked Projectile Scoring. It’s the system that requires the least qualified candidates and the most effort from the voters themselves. After all, we want to make voting as needlessly complicated and exclusionary as possible. Only then can we be sure that the people really care,” said Lector.
She conceded that RIGGED’s systems may seem a little unpalatable to ordinary British Columbians, but that people should still pick a favourite and stick to it with mindless, unwavering conviction.
“Yes, these electoral systems are a bit silly,” said Lector. “But as dubious as they may seem, are they really any more ludicrous than first-past-the-post?”