Breaking mews

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

Has this year’s election gone to the dogs?

By Jessica Berget, Staff Writer

We here at the Other Press are just as barking mad about this paw-residential election as you probably are, so we decided to sniff out some answers, dig up the truth and finally get to the bottom of the question on everyone’s doggone mind: Who will be the next paw-resident? Here with us today are Dognald Ruff and Hillary Kitten.

The OP: The first question is for Hillary Kitten. What is your solution to the economic turmeowl your country is in right now?

Hillary Kitten: I’m going to do with our country’s debts what I do with my hairballs. Hack. Them. Out.

What our country needs right now is free vet care, pet houses for the strays, and more spay and neuter clinics! All of these combined will help make our already great country purr-fect.

The OP: Dognald, same question.

Dognald Ruff: You know, I have solutions to this problem, great solutions, terrific solutions! Solutions so terrific they make toilet bowls look like vacuum cleaners. But what I really want to talk about is the mailmen, can we please talk about the mailmen? Don’t make me beg. The mailmen are evil, they are ruthless, and they are destroying our food bowls. We have to unleash ourselves and howl against the mailmen to ensure the safety of our food bowls and our country.

The OP: Very purr-suasive arguments. Secretary Kitten, I direct this question to you: Some would say you really let the cat out of the bag with your FleaMail scandal and are calling it “the worst display of modern paw-litics our country has ever seen.” How do you respond to these comments?

HK: Well, I was contemplating this question earlier today as I was clawing my scratching post. I can assure you that I had no idea the level of severity of what I was doing. It was an un-fur-tunate mistake and to tell you the truth, I was really high on catnip at the time. But none of that compares to the dog-awful comments my opponent has made about “grabbing cats.” Do we really want a feline-hating canine like that running our country? All he does is bark and whine whenever he doesn’t get his way. How is he supposed to lead our people when he can’t even go out without a leash? If you actually research Ruff’s history, you’ll find a trail of chewed-up sofas and poops that he has neglected to pick up. And is there a pillow this dog has not humped? Don’t pet on it.

The OP: Thank you Secretary Kitten. This actually segues us to our next question for Dognald. How do you respond to the allegations made against you and your “cat-grabbing” comments?

DR: Folks, I’m a good dog, you know I’m a good dog. And I respect cats. No-one has more respect for cats than I do. I never chase them; I never growl at them; I never bite them. And cats love me, they automatically like me. I know this because they always lick me. They don’t even wait, just lick. I’m like a cat magnet. I may have grabbed a few cats when I was a young woofer, but they love me and they know I’m a good boy, and when you’re a good boy they let you do whatever you want.

The OP: Interesting rebuttal Mr. Ruff. Onto the next question. Secretary Kitten, what would be your first act as paw-resident and why?

HK: That is an excellent question, and one worth pursuing, just like a mouse on a string. And much like that mouse on a string I will tackle this question head-on. The first thing I would do as paw-resident, is abolish the litter box tax. Litter boxes are a right, not a privilege.

The OP: This next question is for Dognal- HEY!! NO! BAD BOY!

This interview was ended abruptly as Dognald Ruff defecated on the floor, walked in a circle a few times and then fell asleep. He is a very, very bad dog.