BREAKING: New Douglas student ‘figures it out’ within first week of general studies

Image via Thinkstock
Image via Thinkstock

Entire life plan realized after a few classes at Douglas

By Chandler Walter, Assistant Editor

A new Douglas College student learned more than he thought he would within the first week of General Studies classes.

Paul Adrifton, a first-year student at Douglas College, had signed up for the minimum amount of classes necessary to be considered a full-time student.

“Yeah, my parents were really getting on me to do something, and I didn’t want to go into a trade right away, so I figured I would take some classes at Douglas because it was so close to my house,” he said.

His parents had said that he could take a few classes at Douglas to figure out what he wanted to do in life, and that a stimulating learning environment would help him do so. None of them imagined what would come after Adrifton’s first week of classes.

Adrifton registered in Intro to Poetry, History 1100, and Intro to Philosophy: Critical Thinking.

“The classes were great,” Adrifton said, “and everyone was really nice. I wasn’t all that into any of the subjects, but it was nice to be back in the classroom.

“I’ve decided I want to be a biochemical engineer,” continued Adrifton. “The salary is roughly $120,000, and it will cost me an initial $40,000 for schooling, and 6 years of my life. That’s a fair price to pay, as I will own a cabin for my future wife Jennifer and I to vacation to.”

Adrifton said that he had his epiphany while daydreaming in history class. “I pictured my future dog, Henry, and my future children, James and Lily, playing by the lake. Oh, what memories we will have there! It’s just too bad that my future job is so demanding, but that’s the price you pay for comfort I guess!”

Adrifton stated that having his life entirely figured out somehow both calms him and gives him anxiety.

“Well, it’s just nice to have everything figured out, though it’s kind of freaky to know exactly when it all will end, you know? Also the future divorce does not look all that fun, and I wish she could leave me Henry… But now I have ‘a plan’ to tell my parents about, at least.”

Adrifton does not claim that he can see the future, just that after a few classes at Douglas, the future became a lot less foggy. “And to think, I was going to drop out of that history class, if it wasn’t for me needing it to keep my U-Pass!”

Adrifton is continuing his General Studies courses until next semester, when he plans on taking a full 20 credit course-load in chemistry, biology, and calculus, and states that he will “probably have around a 3.61 GPA” in his upcoming semester.