World left shocked, scandalized by revelation
By Katie Czenczek, Staff Writer
It turns out that Canadian guy who cut you off on the freeway and yelled “Sorry!” out the window didn’t actually mean it. All eyes have turned towards the preposterously polite country after the world recently discovered that, when Canadians say sorry, they don’t really mean it.
This was first brought to the world’s attention when the face of Canada— Justin Bieber—wrote a song publicly apologizing for his immature behaviour. The word “sorry” was used a record 20 times in the song that was appropriately titled “Sorry.” The international inquiry into Canadian’s use of the word “sorry” began after it was found that Justin Bieber continued the same erratic behavior he was known for before releasing the song.
Earlier this week, the Society of Universal Cultural Conventions (SUCC) released a study showing that Canadians have a different use for the word “sorry” altogether.
Tania Cripshank, a British Columbian and avid “‘sorry” user, explained exactly what the word means in Canada.
“It can be used for anything, really,” said Cripshank. “I use sorry all the time. I can write a note saying sorry after eating my co-worker’s lunch knowing damn well that I don’t feel bad and they can’t do anything because I used the ‘S’-word. It just kind of comes out naturally, like when Brits or Aussies say ‘mate,’ you know? They’ll call their Aunt Gretas or even the Queen ‘mate,’ even though they are so clearly not mates. ‘Sorry,’ to me at least, is basically that. Calling the Queen ‘mate’ and getting away with it.”
In an interview with the Other Press, Canadian citizen Eric Wheeler said that he was shocked the world didn’t find out about this sooner.
“I’m just surprised that it took this long for everyone to catch us, honestly,” said Wheeler. “I thought that Canada’s downfall would definitely be in 2009 after the Apology Act was passed. I mean, it basically says that saying sorry in court isn’t an admission of guilt because too many of us were throwing it around all willy-nilly. Way too many people were wrongfully convicted before the act was in place. Dark times, it was. I knew a buddy who said sorry after stubbing his toe on the way to the stand. He ended up being found guilty, all thanks to a single ‘sorry’ spoken at the wrong time.”
When asked if his buddy had committed the crime, Wheeler responded, “He did, but that’s not the point. If his court case happened after the Apology Act was passed, he wouldn’t’ve been incarcerated.”
Mike Nowak, a new Canadian citizen who totally doesn’t get the whole “sorry” thing, expressed his frustration with the nonchalant way the word is thrown around in this country.
“It’s the quality of ‘sorries’ over the quantity. If you say sorry even when you don’t mean it, the word means nothing, and that’s what’s happening here. I’ve actually heard someone apologize to a rug after tripping over it, then later, the same person said sorry after not holding the door open for someone 100 metres away. It’s like when you cry while it’s pouring rain outside and your tears blend in with the rain. No one will know your sadness then, the same way that ‘sorry’ said offhandedly loses its meaning.”
Nowak then said—between sniffles—he needed to go take a shower.