Co-worker struggles to adapt to new life as seedless fruit
By Klara Woldenga, Humour editor
Vancouver local John Arbuck has been a grocery clerk for the downtown Vancouver Safeway for over three years. Up until last week he has been enjoying his work with little to no disruptions or mishaps, and was on his way to receiving his first 15 cent raise. All of this changed on February 8 when, during his afternoon shift, Arbuck was setting up the banana display with his coworker and friend, Alex Temptan. According to the reports, Temptan came up and stuck something on Arbuck’s arm before walking back to the staff room. Alden looked down, and was horrified to see that a banana sticker, displaying the fruit’s brand along with a four-digit number used for scanning, had been stuck to his left arm.
“I just couldn’t believe it,” said Arbuck when asked about the incident. “Just like that, I had become a banana. Nothing in my schooling or Safeway work manuals had prepared me for this.”
Bananas are known as America’s most popular fruit, but unfortunately Arbuck’s sudden increase in popularity did nothing to comfort him. Arbuck’s situation quickly became much worse once Frank Rollen, his boss, refused to issue him his upcoming raise.
“He’s a literal fruit now,” said Rollen. “We don’t give raises to fruit. Store policy.”
When Arbuck asked the staff and customers to peel the sticker off of him, they all expressed the same concern: It was weird to do that to a piece of fruit unless you bought it, and Arbuck was simply far too expensive to buy.
“Bananas are charged by the pound, so I would cost over $120,” said Arbuck. “Not to mention that I’ve probably expired by now.”
He is also said to have thought about prying the sticker off himself, but realized that, since he was now a banana, he lacked the arms and hands to do so.
Even though Arbuck has now accepted his fruitful fate, the challenges of living as a fruit still weigh heavily upon him.
“I can’t leave the store, as I would be stealing myself, and there are no banana cases I would fit into that would adequately keep me from bruising in someone’s bag. There’s nothing I can do now. In fact, I don’t think I should even be talking to you, since bananas can’t speak.”
With that final statement, Arbuck returned to the Safeway fruit section and sat silently amongst the other bananas.