Celebrities come back from the dead

Stop the misquotes, stop the madness

By Katie Czenczek, Staff Writer

People all over the world are advised to stay indoors, and more importantly off their Facebook profiles, until the authorities get a hold of a situation that’s rapidly spiralling out of control.

What was previously believed to be the work of thieves looking for profit in dead celebrities’ graves has now been revealed to be the corpses of celebrities who have unfinished business rising from their coffins. This business, as they call it, is to demand that people stop giving them credit for quotes they never said.

“It’s infuriating,” said Marilyn Monroe in an interview with the Other Press. “All I see is my photo and name being connected to ridiculous quotes like ‘wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.’ Do people not know that I went from Norma to Marilyn? I completely transformed myself and haven’t looked back since. There are others, but I can’t complain too much. Dr. Seuss has it much, much worse.”

Seuss failed to comment on the phenomena.

Tupac Shakur, on the other hand, said a lot. He politely asked white boys from the suburbs to stop pretending that they know the struggle. A flurry of Facebook posts in recent years have honoured the renowned rapper, and most of them have been traced back to gated communities. “‘Real eyes realize real lies’ just shows how unreal the people making this s**t up can be. I never said that, nor do I wish that I did.”

The living people responsible for these misquotes refuse to stand down despite authorities begging them to come forward. In fact, misquoted celebrities have been on the rise and now even include those who are still alive.

“We’re technically not doing anything wrong,” an avid misquoter said, who asked for their identity to be protected. “All we’re doing is posting a photo of a celebrity we like and adding an inspirational quote next to them. They should be happy that we’re giving them credit for quotes they’ve never said. It’s the original creators of the quotes that should be angry.” The anonymous misquoter also added that it isn’t their fault that anything on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram is automatically deemed real. “People just don’t know how to fact-check anymore.”

Some celebrities have taken more drastic measures in order to stop misquotes. Martin Luther King Jr. has promised to take action “by any means necessary.” John Lennon has also joined King’s cause. Despite both being advocates for peace in life, death has seen a change in the two. “We will attack anyone who tries to push their agenda forward by using our names and photos next to quotes that aren’t ours.” This sentiment is supported by other celebrities who only want to rest in peace.

Nelson Mandela, who has also been at the brunt end of a plethora of misquotes, would like to add that whoever keeps posting quotes he said next to Morgan Freeman’s photo, “has it coming.” What “it” is exactly he has yet to elaborate on.