What does Fox News say

Photo illustration
Photo illustration

Network hires new vulpine reporters

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

After receiving complaints that their staff was “not representative enough,” Fox News’ board of directors fired the corporation’s entire executive staff and replaced them with actual foxes.

This bold and unexpected decision was met with well-justified confusion; to explain the situation, the new reporting staff arranged a press conference.

“We’re happy that our viewership is concerned with the public image of Fox News,” said Fantastic Mr. Fox, as voiced by George Clooney.

“As such, these changes should ensure that our staff now best represents our company’s identity and interests. As the new head of public relations, I am confident that our new staff will continue to maintain the level of quality reporting you’ve all come to expect from Fox News.”

With a wink, Mr. Fox turned the stand over to Fox McCloud, former Smash Brothers tournament star and new head of security: “I wouldn’t be here if my last game hadn’t bombed harder than Bikini Atoll,” said McCloud, with liquor on his breath.

“I’m slumming it here, big time. I used to fight space wars. Now I shine a flashlight around the office while the night crew asks me what the fox says every five minutes. Who the **** breaks into Fox News, anyway? Glenn Beck?”

After a number of species-ist remarks about raccoons, new Fox 5 news chopper pilot Miles “Tails” Prower ushered McCloud offstage. “Sorry about that, folks,” he said with a smile. “We really wanted to get Rocket Raccoon for security detail, but he said he wouldn’t work with McCloud. Can’t imagine why. Anyways, I should turn things over to our new treasurer!”

Robin Hood—the Disney animated version—took the stage, lightly doffing his feathered hat to the audience. Unfortunately, no one could understand a word he said because of his archaic English dialect. Translators claim he is a great supporter of Marxist politics, and intends to redistribute all of Fox News’ excess profits to the less fortunate.

Nobody was able to distinguish the difference between a “profit” and an “excess profit,” so the exact figures remain unclear.

After a thank you from the Nine-Tailed Kitsune, Japanese mythological figure and new Chairman of the Board, the press conference disbanded. Somewhere backstage, McCloud could be heard slurring “Hey! I dare you! I double-dog-dare you! Ask me what the fox says one more ****ing time!”

Despite their idiosyncrasies, this motley crew of vulpine personalities should have the new Fox News well in hand. If nothing else, they’re a step up from the owl-headed journalist formerly known as Bill O’RLY.