Suites will be unable to be seen by the naked eye, and available in 2019
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson held a press conference Monday morning to announce Vancouver’s newest innovative solution to the city’s housing problem: Microscopic suites. Only visible under a high-powered microscope, these extremely small suites will be built on the edge of Coal Harbour, one of the most sought-after areas in Vancouver. Each unit will be 500 picometres in size (a 10-billionth of a metre, in the short scale) and will have enough room to allow the residents to store three to four of their personal atoms, along with the bragging rights of renting right on the water.
Jared Yoon, soon-to-be UBC student, is very excited for the housing project to be finished and has already filled out the 200-page application process, which requires a complete list of where you have ever been since birth and a ten-page, single-space essay about why Gregor Robertson is the best mayor in the world. Yoon states that he’s not deterred by the apartment’s extremely small size or long application process.
“I don’t really own much, just a few of my favorite electrons,” said Yoon. “I am just really minimalist, you know? I have a voice in my head that tells me ‘Don’t own anything, it’s not good for the planet.’ Actually, that’s the same voice that tells me to set things on fire, now that I stop to think about it.”
Although most of the people waiting to live in the Vancouver area are thrilled to hear about this new real estate project, there are those who are fighting against the plan. Janet Harrison, 69 years old and retired, lives alone in Coal Harbour. Her six-bedroom apartment sits right across from where the micro-suites are planned to be built. Mrs. Harrison states that, although she is sympathetic about the housing crisis, she’s really not.
“I can’t believe they would do this,” said Harrison. “This project will decrease my property’s value by a half of a millionth of a cent. I’m sorry, but me and my bitterness won’t stand for it.”
A group of rich, retired Vancouver residents have started developing plans to protest in front of Vancouver City Hall but have been delayed ever since they realized that protesting would take work, and it simply isn’t as easy as donating large sums of money to political parties.
“We’re really excited about these suites,” Robertson told the press. “The city council and I are confident that this is a good step towards solving the housing crisis in Vancouver. I mean, what else are we going to do? We have literally no other options.”
When asked why the city doesn’t simply implement a rent freeze or provide apartments that cost less than $1,000,000 for a studio, Robertson laughed into his martini glass so hard that he choked on an olive and had to be rushed to the Vancouver General Hospital.