College newsflash:

Controversial survey reveals that I am still totally un-dateable

By Chandler Walter, Contributor

A recent unscientific survey of females around Douglas College has uncovered a shocking discovery: I, Chandler Walter, am still completely un-dateable.

The survey covered a range of demographics; it varied in nationality, race, religious backgrounds, and ages ranging from recent post-high schoolers to one very put-off professor who would like to remain anonymous.

While the women surveyed are as different as the pickup lines I’ve attempted on them, the data showed that one thing remained a constant: 100 per cent of females surveyed agreed that they do not want to go on a date with me.

The reasons were usually similar, with more than 50 per cent claiming to already have a boyfriend, 35 per cent simply responding with variations of no—e.g., “god no,” “hell, no,” “oh my god, who are you?”—and an alarming 10 per cent offering me their drink (forcefully, through the air).

Furthermore, females accompanied by a male companion at the time the survey was administered were more likely to allow the male to respond, whether vocally or by aggressive force (we had to end research after one such incident, due to various injuries).

This study brings to light the serious possibility of failing eye sight for those around Douglas College, or perhaps a communal practical joke that may or may not be in motion here.

It still remains a mystery as to why the survey shows such controversial results, though this reporter is convinced it is likely something defective in the psyche of those surveyed on the whole, as that would be the only logically consistent variable.

I’m sure that’s what my mom is going to tell me, at least.