Looking beyond Christmas for a reason to celebrate
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
This time of year, it seems like everyone has “the holidays” on the mind. It’s understandable: Christmas’ twinkly lights, tons of food, and a break from school are all totally day-dreamy concepts—but why not celebrate “the holidays” all year long? Here are some obscure (and totally real!) holidays that you can use as an excuse to get drunk and waste money on no matter what day it is.
January 3—Humiliation Day: What better way is there to start of the year than really dousing yourself in shame for the day? If you’re feeling generous, you can always spread the mortification by sending your loved ones Humiliation Day cards, which outline your most fontrum-filled memories of their past indiscretions.
January 16—Appreciate a Dragon Day: Also known as Watch A Lot Of Game of Thrones Day.
January 18—Thesaurus Day: This is the most astonishing, awe-inspiring, breathtaking, stunning, magnificent, impressive, wonderful holiday of them all.
February 14—Valentine’s Day: You might have heard of this one before. Similar to Humiliation Day, this holiday forces single people to focus on their existential loneliness, while couples are judged on their commitment for each other based on the quality of overpriced roses they are able to procure. Everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day by going to bed generally dissatisfied.
Feb 22—Walking the Dog Day: Who knew you only had to walk your dog one day a year?
March 1—National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day: An uncomfortable and dangerous holiday for anyone with nut allergies.
April 4—Tell a Lie Day: This is the perfect day to tackle all of those awkward conversations that you’ve been putting off all year. “It’s not you, it’s me,” is the “Merry Christmas” of Tell a Lie Day.
April 30—National Honesty Day: You better hope that no one questions you about what you said on April 4.
May 12—Limerick Day: This is a day in May/When all the people say,/“Today I’m going to write/A poem that’s pretty alright!”/Just let me finish this essay.
June 1—Flip a Coin Day: The traditional gift on Flip a Coin Day is gold.
June 8—Name Your Poison Day: Poison. Poison is my poison—I don’t even need to wait for June 8 to tell you that. Please don’t poison me.
July 2—“I Forgot” Day:
August 27—“Just Because Day”: Why not, right?
September 5—Be Late for Something Day: This holiday conveniently lines up with the beginning of the new school year, giving you a handy excuse when you show up an hour late to all your new classes.
September 13—Fortune Cookie Day: There is no greater pleasure than seeing your loved ones prosper.
October 13—Treat Yo’ Self Day: As Tom Haverford would say, “Clothes. Fragrances. Massages. Mimosas. Treat yo’ self!”
November 2—Look for Circles Day: If you enjoy Fruit Loops or Cheerios or bagels, you could be done celebrating by the end of breakfast!
December 6—Put Your Own Shoes on Day: Put away the Velcro slip-ons: this is the one day a year you can lace up your own sneakers!
December 25—National Pumpkin Pie Day: This one is obvious: everyone knows that December 25 is the day everyone gathers together to gorge on pie, right?
December 31—Make Up Your Mind Day: Should you make a resolution for the New Year? For sure! Or, well, maybe. No. Yes. I don’t know!