Confirmed: video exists of Rob’s Ford with smoking crack

Video apparently shows smoking crack, possibly from a leaking radiator

By Liam Britten, Contributor

After countless denials from all those close to the source, Toronto citizens were shocked at the news: a video does indeed exist of Rob’s Ford with a smoking crack.

Rob O’Sullivan, a 24-year-old welder, confirmed on the steps of City Hall today that, yes, it was his ’91 Ford Taurus in the video, and, yes, it did have a crack on the hood with what appears to be smoke coming out of it.

O’Sullivan said that while the allegations are true, it was a one-time thing, and it is all in the past for him.

“Yes, I have gotten my crack fix, probably in one of my drunken stupors. Sorry, fixed. I got my crack fixed,” he told assembled reporters. “It was really awkward to be five beers deep at the auto shop. I’ve made mistakes. All I can do now is apologize and move on.”

The admission came six months after bloggers from Car and Driver were allegedly shown a low-quality cellphone video by Somalian gangsters in Toronto’s Mount Dennis neighbourhood. The subject of the video looked unmistakably like Rob’s Ford: large, white, dilapidated, and oddly sweaty. The bloggers said the crack was clearly visible.

“He definitely has a crack problem, not a mere joint,” said Car and Driver’s John Lamm, who originally reported the video’s contents. “Definitely not a CV joint problem, I am 100 per cent sure of that.”

The gangsters attempted to get $200,000 from Car and Driver for a video of the smoking crack in action. An Internet fundraising campaign saw overwhelming support, and raised the funds within three weeks.

Now, after spending months ducking the allegations, O’Sullivan’s bombshell admission may end his career—at least until he can buy another used car.

City councillors were vocal in their opinions that Rob’s Ford should no longer have anything to do with the city.

“[Rob’s Ford] is an absolute piece of shit,” an unusually frank Councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong told reporters after the revelation was made public. “Toronto should have nothing more to do with Rob’s Ford. Hell, at this point, we might as well turn to Doug’s Ford.”

Councillor Minnan-Wong was of course referring to O’Sullivan’s co-worker Doug Webb and his ’96 Ford Explorer.

“But that’s not much better, because Doug’s Ford has definitely seen a few rocks before,” Councillor Minnan-Wong said, recalling Webb’s past use of the vehicle for off-roading.

Despite the calls from City Council, reporters were told very clearly that Rob’s Ford would not simply disappear.

“Rob’s Ford isn’t leaving Toronto. Rob’s Ford is going to stick around until totally consumed by flames and removed from this great city by a crane. Believe me: a tow truck does not have the sheer power necessary to move Rob’s Ford,” O’Sullivan said.