Glory holes, masks, and mutual masturbation: sex under COVID-19
By Bone Me Henry, Contributor
The CDC website also states that the virus has been found in semen and fecal matter, so maybe hold off on the scat or creampies during this pandemic.
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, it’s no surprise that romance—and sex—is in the air. With the current pandemic and public health orders, however, lovemaking may be difficult for some people to navigate. Fortunately for us, back in July the BC Provincial Health Officer Bonnie Henry, Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam, and the CDC relayed some handy guidelines for people to follow so they can fornicate in a coronavirus-friendly fashion.
The first thing they recommend: not having sex at all. That’s right, like abstinence-framed sexual education class, the BC government and CDC are recommending people to refrain from intercourse entirely. They say the best course of action is to release your sexual energy solo style. And as if everyone is not already sick of Zoom meetings, they also recommend having a virtual wank with your partner to keep up with social distancing guidelines. So, get out those dildos, vibrators, butt-plugs, and whatever else you need to get off virtually.
Let’s be real, asking people to not have sex during a time as stressful as this is impossible—also a little cruel. People are still going to have sex whether there is a pandemic or not because it’s good for emotional, physical, and mental well-being (even the CDC website explains this). So, if you must have sex here are some tips from the CDC to make it safer for everybody involved:
The CDC explains that besides yourself, the second safest person to have sex with is someone who has had contact with you and no one else. This includes people you live with, so maybe it’s time to shack up with one of your roommates. In case you’re feeling sick or have any symptoms, obviously skip the sexy time. Even if you’re feeling healthy, it is still recommended that people wear masks during copulation because the heavy breathing that accompanies this workout can create more droplets that could transmit the virus. On top of that, they say avoiding kissing or any saliva exchange is a safe course of action. The CDC website also states that the virus has been found in semen and fecal matter, so maybe hold off on the scat or creampies during this pandemic. They also explain that washing your bodies before and after coitus and thoroughly cleaning all sex toys is also important to pandemic hanky-panky.
Another guideline is to avoid sexual positions with face-to-face contact, as this can also contribute to the spread. Sorry to those who prefer the classic “missionary” position, but it’s time to switch it up. Some positions that avoid face contact and therefore deemed COVID-19 safe are doggie style, reverse cowgirl (if you have the leg strength, yeehaw!), the wheelbarrow, leapfrog, and of course the classic and disgusting sixty-nine position. If that’s not kinky enough for you, the CDC also recommends the use of glory holes or walls to keep you distanced from your sexual partner. BC’s recommendation of glory holes made international news last summer and YouPorn Vice President Charlie Hughes liked it so much he sent Minister of Health of BC, Adrian Dix a $100,000 grant to support the construction of glory holes province-wide. Hopefully, we will see that development in the coming years.
In case you’re still not feeling safe enough to seek out sex with another person, and you’re bored of the same ol’ routine that comes with self-pleasure, there’s another safe alternative to having sex during this pandemic: sex dolls. The best part is you don’t even have to go out to a shady store to get access to one! In December 2020, Vancouver is Awesome reports that a sex doll delivery service called Aura S Dolls has launched in Vancouver, and business is booming apparently. Since dolls can’t transmit the virus, many people have been seeking out this service as a COVID-19 friendly alternative. But get your booking in soon as the company currently only has one doll, so the company has seen almost 20 customers each month. Currently, the doll costs $250 for one night and $350 for two (including tax).