Statistically happiest day of the year influences few
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Not long after scientists came out with the hotly debated “Blue Monday”—that is, the statistically saddest day of the year—super real scientists decided to put their attentions and resources to solve another one of the universe’s big mysteries: what is the happiest day of the year?
Well, the results are in, and it has been proven scientifically with science that the Friday immediately following Blue Monday is actually the happiest day of the year. Much thought and care was put into the naming of this day, and although many in the scientific community rallied around the title “Fuck Ya Friday,” they were ultimately out-voted to give the Friday a less wicked-awesome name.
Yellow Friday falls on the third Friday of January, and is believed to be in direct correlation with its blue counterpart. Scientist Hugh Cardoso explained the phenomena: “Well, basically, it is something of an afterthought of Blue Monday.” The scientist followed that scientifically while wearing glasses and holding a microscope: “It kind of makes sense, right? If everyone is all especially bummed out the Monday that week, it just makes them especially happy to have made it to the weekend again.”
Douglas College students around campus were surveyed to see if these days had an effect on them, and the results were inconclusive. “I guess I’m kind of happy it’s Friday,” said second year Douglas College student Jess Perri. “But I mean, I’m always happy it’s Friday… because it’s Friday.”
“I’m actually really pissed right now,” said student Will Baker. “I have to friggin’ work this evening, and it’s just not fair! Steve is having a kegger, and he promised there would be girls there this time. I need tonight. You know how long it’s been since I’ve gotten laid? My entire life!” Even after Baker was consoled with the fact that today was supposed to be the happiest day of the year, it seemed to just make him even less cheerful. “Well that’s just great, now everyone is going to be out having a Fuck Ya Friday without me.”
We brought our results into the scientific lab to be analyzed by super smart scientists, and they all agreed that Baker was simply being a little cry baby. Just how much of a cry baby, they are not yet certain, and have promised to run expensive, extensive, scientifically valid tests on the matter.
“Because what the hell, right,” said Cardoso, “Gotta science something.”