Ello? Is anyone there?


A new, perfect (anti) social network for introverts and anthrophobics

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

While tech analysts are marvelling over the continued existence of users on the seemingly abysmal new social networking platform, Ello, sociologists are suggesting a simple explanation: people who hate social media use the platform as a way to avoid meaningful social interaction. Because basically no one posts on Ello.

“It’s great! I only know, like, one other person who uses Ello, and she never posts anything … so I can just lurk,” said extreme introvert Lorilei Gilmore. “It’s like going to a movie in an empty theatre—you get the satisfaction of ‘participating,’ but you have a one per cent chance of actually having to interact with anyone!”

Ello is a social media platform developed as an alternative to popular social sites like Facebook and Twitter, and it has indeed proven itself as an alternative—an alternative to popularity. While the site successfully lives up to its mission of being “simple, beautiful, and ad-free,” it has thus far failed to garner enough users or content to mean absolutely anything. It is this lack of popularity that makes it attractive to introverts and anthrophobics.

While critics point out the pointlessness of Ello if no one is using it, supporters suggest that it is offering a social service for oft-neglected introverts, much like those list-style “10 Things Only an Introvert Would Understand” articles.

“One of the worst things about today’s society is that it’s set up to be discriminatory to people like me—people who just truly hate other people and interacting with them,” explained Ello advocate and outspoken person-afraid-of-people, Luke Danes. “Social media, socializing … it’s all too much! Ello lets me participate in society without worrying about anyone ever actually expecting me to do anything.”

“I don’t even know how to post something, even if I wanted to—which of course I do not,” added Gilmore.