Local girl ‘literally can’t even’
By Chandler Walter, Contributor
In a recent incident, a young teen, Jessica Roe, evidently “could not begin to even,” as posted on her friend’s Instagram photo last Saturday.
The photograph in question was of a newly purchased TNA sweater with the caption, “So rdy 4 #Autumn.”
How exactly this event went on to make young Jessica of Coquitlam cease to even remains a mystery, but luckily an ambulance arrived on scene at the local Starbucks within minutes.
Police officer Rickross Kennedy was first to respond. “It was the usual procedure,” Kennedy told us on that Hefe-filtered fall day. “We managed to get a PSL into her stat, with the help of our friends from Starbucks, and then had her count by twos, slowly.”
“Though, it was a close one,” Kennedy confided to us. “If we had gotten there two, or even four minutes later, she would have been a goner.”
By the time the firetruck arrived, Jessica was rediscovering eight. All that was left at the scene of the incident was a heavily dog-eared Fifty Shades of Grey and a Metro newspaper crossword that had numbers filled into the squares.
“I didn’t have a damn clue what she was saying,” said the fire chief. “I just knew that there was an emergency, and so here we are. It was so odd. She could barely even at all.”
Roe’s friend, Tasha Lanes, is currently in custody at the local police station awaiting questioning, though the sweater is still nowhere to be found.
Recent statistics show that at least 60 per cent of Instagram users at some point lose their ability to even, which is but a stepping stone to the darker side of social media, as seen earlier this summer in the fatal incident when Rebecca Meerscats claims that she “literally died.”
It seems there is no way to stop this ever-growing issue, and we can only look towards our government, police, and local Starbucks baristas to try their best in fighting this uphill battle.