Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Well, itâs November. Time to get started on the annual house cleaning. Be warned: the dust bunnies living behind your shelf have become sentient. They hunger for socks.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
You seem to be on the edge of a cliff today with your arms embracing the sun. Wait a minute, youâre actually stuck inside a motivational poster! The caption reads âGeneric Success Pose.â
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Oh no! Some prankster has tampered with the collegeâs ventilation system and now papers are flying like snowflakes. Iâm not sure what the culpritâs motive might be, but it might have been to get rid of the smell of rotting squirrel corpses coming from their closet. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
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Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Wow, that hit of acid you took on Halloween sure was powerful. You can still see peopleâs words as they come out of their mouths. Try not to get trapped in Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
The day seemed to be expansive, which you will appreciate. With this new expansion pack, you can fly around the world and turn into a vampire! Isnât The Sims 3 great!Â
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
There will be some communication with an old friend today. This person will want their DVD of The Hottie and the Nottie back. You probably shouldnât tell them that you already burned it out of concern for your friendâs self-respect.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Today, you find that you canât stop talking about the most random thing that comes to mind. Ooh, look! Thereâs a crow on a lawn! Heâs eating that old McDonaldâs bag! What does he think that bag is? A fish?
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Your mind can go anywhere today. With a mind like that, you can be the next big thing! However, youâll actually just sit in front of the TV watching MythBusters.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
People are more likely to listen to you today. It must be something to do with the fact that you still havenât changed out of your RoboCop costume. Either RoboCop draws a lot of attention or it could just be the horrible stench that youâve been emitting.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Youâll disagree with the information that you receive today. Youâll be told that you only got a C+ on your project about the moral values of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic when you thought you deserved an A.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Climatic events are bound to occur in your life today. Like the battle between a robot Hitler and a tyrannosaurs in an F-14! You really, really wouldnât want miss that!
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Now would be a good time to step up your communication skills. Youâve already said âHiâ to people, so why not ask them about their day?
 With files from Livia Turnbull.