Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Do you want someone to take you away from all this ‘living’ nonsense? Unfortunately, nobody can and nobody will want you to do it either. You’ll just have live with your situation like everyone else until you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now suck it up and clean that toilet like a boss.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Your children will be very successful individuals at partying like rock stars, but they will fail at everything else in life. Congratulations! You’ve just raised this generation’s Wayne and Garth!
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Go on a shopping spree on eBay today! Buy all kinds of useless crap, like gently used Honey Boo Boo merchandise! If you have enough money, buy 8 million Bop Its! This will all be good for your personal health.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Today, a violent argument will erupt between your friends over whose day was more fulfilling. You will all lose though because both of you spent the entire day having a Doogie Howser marathon instead of doing anything worthwhile.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
After a few long days of crystal-gazing, I decided it was time to relax and write this week’s horoscopes myself. Unfortunately, it was then that the FBI knocked on my door demanding something about drug-charges. I made their police cars blow up and now I’m typing this from Mexico. But enough about me; how was your day?
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
This isn’t a good horoscope for sensitive people, but you will have more than a few serious conversations with your partner about how you’ve been spending an unhealthy amount of time with their cat. The fact that your partner is now starting to call you ‘Dr. Whiskers’ is really unnerving.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
You and your partner will argue over whose turn it is to load the dishwasher. The end result will be a plate-throwing contest between the two of you and an emergency trip to Walmart to buy more. Problem solved?
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Today will not be a good day for you when you realize that the research paper due on Monday was actually due yesterday. Also, you get 20 per cent of your mark deducted for every day that it’s late.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
It may be that you are a bit too stubborn about your projected success about Community’s new season. Let’s face it: it’s going to get canned after 13 episodes anyway.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
It’s hard deciding whether or not to commit to a relationship when you already have a World of Warcraft subscription. My advice to you is to go and cancel the World of Warcraft subscription and go enjoy some cold masquerading as sun with your new partner for a change.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
You’re aren’t one to follow the rules, so go ahead and rob all the stores you can find. Just remember that if you get caught, do your best to pin the crime on somebody else.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Stop believing that you don’t have any gifts or talents. Everyone has a talent! It’s too bad making armpit noises happens to be your only one though.