Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
During my month-long absence, I switched all Safewayâs price stickers with Best Buyâs price stickers. Now, people are going to feel my misery about not having enough money when they find out they have pay $250 for a slab of meat! Howâs that for doing community service, parole officer?
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Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
When a friend of yours doesnât want to talk to you about his or her personal problems, just go to your friendâs Facebook page and scroll through their status updates to figure out what exactly is on his or her mind!
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Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Do you feel like youâre being watched? The planets are watching you. Yes, theyâre ones I occasionally mention when I donât feel like explaining important things to you.
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Aries
(3/21-4/19)
You donât need to socialize to be successful in life! Look at me! I have no social skills whatsoever and I still have a job!
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Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You know what? Youâre not the centre of attention at all! Iâm sick of you, and your constant pleas of âPay attention to me!â Other people donât bawl as loud as you do every time they want something! You got that, newborn who lives in the house that I broke into?
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Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Reading a good book would be a top-notch spiritual improvement…guruâŚthing. Whatever. Just stop reading that Fifty Shades of Gray series already!Â
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Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Worries about money can lead you to do drastic things, like rob a bank. The best way to cure this is to go for a walk and hope you arenât involved in a drive-by.
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Leo
(7/23-8/22)
You live for being alone. Thatâs why, as part of my âStop Shut-Insâ project, Iâve invited you to two back-to back parties. Youâll thank me for it later.
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Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
Today, youâll find that all your friends are actually clothing brands! So much for claiming to be a sociable person on all your resumes. Well, I guess thatâs another job related worry for you.
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Libra
(9/23-10/22)
You tend to enjoy Solitaire, but it wonât hurt you to play with friends every once in whileâwhat? Oh, my mistake. That should be you tend to enjoy solitude. Just follow the advice I gave in the other horoscopes.
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Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
The air will be tense tonight at your family reunion. Your family members are always full of problems they donât share. Especially about that drunk uncle who has just recently been arrested for vehicular manslaughter.
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Sagittarius
(11/22-12/22)
Youâll get some mysterious phone calls today. It could be ghost or the spirit of your old family dog! But most likely itâs just some brats goofing around.
With files from Livia Turnbull
(Humour)Â