By Cazzy Saturn Lewchuk, Ascending in Omicron Persei 8

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

A black cat will follow you around all day before eventually crossing your path. Chasing it away, you’ll walk under a ladder then step on a crack and trip, breaking your pocket mirror. But then your palm will itch and you’ll notice a fiver on the ground. When you pick it up, you’ll trip again. Dang, bad luck.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

A comet is scheduled to pass through your star chart and the Earth’s atmosphere. You will witness it with wonder, feeling a strange connection. Later, the same comet will hover above your house and beam you up in a tractor beam to take you to the homeland.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

You must give all of your money to any Libras you know, or you will end up with a lifetime of misery. However, if you do give generously, your luck will change and you will find untold riches. Which you must then give away to continue the cycle, or else even more bad luck, bub!

Aries (3/21-4/19)

Today is a very good day to drop out of school, record a demo, find an agent, and become the next Ke$ha. Tomorrow, however, you’ll be regarded as a has-been with no more job prospects… also like Ke$ha.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

You will receive a cursed letter in the mail, but you will also receive a coupon for a free frozen yogurt. The frozen yogurt is also cursed. But it’ll include your choice of topping! But the toppings contain potassium benzoate.

Gemini (5/21-6/21)

It’s time for you to stop fantasizing about hot cheerleaders/football players and go out and get one of your very own! If all else fails, settle for that cute person in your 1102 class who sometimes says “Hi,” with a bit of a smile. Hint hint.

Cancer (6/22-7/22)

The orbital alignment suggests it is an excellent day to get your teeth cleaned. However, the orbit also shows that all dentists are cursed. To get around this, you must eat a whole clove of garlic. This will ensure a speedy and safe dental procedure.

Leo (7/23-8/22)

Today is a good day to do what you want to. Don’t let anybody slow you down or try to stop you, no matter what. Your friends, family members, the security guards, law enforcement officials, correctional institute guards—today, you are unstoppable. It says so in the stars. Probably.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Star charts show that all Virgos will vanish into the horizon at 7:13 p.m.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Accepting gifts from anyone today—especially an Aries—is a bad idea. In fact, just to be on the safe side, you should stay away from everybody. Turn off the lights. Crawl under the covers. Scream at the top of your lungs. Cry.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

You have the all-clear to spend money today, whether it be $10 or $10-million. In fact, signs show that spending $10-million is all you should do today. Get creative in how you acquire and spend this money. Maybe ask an Aries for it.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

You will find a horseshoe and a lucky rabbit’s foot at the end of a rainbow. Then you’ll find a penny facing heads up, and a four-leaf clover. But then a black cat will cross your path after being chased by a Capricorn. Dang, bad luck.