Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
Sometimes, declaring that you are pro-life at an abortion clinic is not the smartest thing to do. I can still remember the screams of fury as I was ejected from the premises by heavily armed guards.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
Tonight you will take your artistic side to the airwaves where you will burp Beethoven’s 5th on your online radio show! …I didn’t say it had to be high art.
Pisces (2/19-3/20)
Your projects, it seems, have run into a brick wall while everyone else’s projects have zoomed right through it with a “meep-meep.” Your only chance at getting through this alive is to push a big boulder right off the cliff and hope that the cliff doesn’t fall.
Aries (3/21-4/19)
The energy in air will cause you to become blocky and jump on people heads. However, don’t eat the mushrooms, no matter how good they look to you.
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
You have to get going! The bomb planted inside the Pentagon is going to go off in five minutes and you’re the only one that can dismantle it! By the way, this message was going to self-destruct, but I was told there might be lawsuits about that.
Gemini (5/21-6/21)
Your heart may experience some wild fluctuations today. Of course, anyone’s heart would experience wild fluctuations after eating KFC for two months straight.
Cancer (6/22-7/22)
The drama between your circle of friends is escalating. I propose you let them all fight to death in steel cage. If nothing else, it might relieve some of tension.
Leo (7/23-8/22)
Your emotions will be in tatters once you see that they shelved about a book about Snooki next to Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” in your local bookstore.
Virgo (8/23-9/22)
Maintaining your opinion will be difficult today. But mark my words, soon people will know extreme ironing has the potential to be an Olympic sport .
Libra (9/23-10/22)
Desire will be hard to find for you today. But whatever you do, don’t go to craigslist in desperation. You might wake up in a strange bed wearing a necklace made out of your teeth.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
Today will be like playing a game on your home field except there’s no skimpily-dressed people cheering you on when you writing a test. On second thought, that would be very annoying.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22)
You need an army of people today in order to help you get focused on studying for your final exam. Someone needs to hide your iPhone in the same place as the Wi-Fi connection.
With files from Livia Turnbull.
