By Livia Turnbull, Chief Pubescent Pukes Correspondent
Susan Mayflower is a 40-year-old woman working a nine to five job. She also reads romance novels and the occasional celebrity mag.
But, this woman yearns for something more than these fictional Fabios.
No, she wants a younger, pimply-faced boy. Susan Mayflower wants to go back to middle school.
“Middle school was the best years of my life,” says Mayflower. “I had a circle of friends and a cult of admirers. For once in my life I was the Queen Bee.” Mayflower then wept hysterically after the remark. We would too, considering that bees don hues of yellow with black stripes and antennae. That outfit would have gotten us eaten alive in middle school faster than we could say “Bomb-diggity.”
However, as Susan Mayflower tells us, not all middle school experiences are bad. We asked Mayflower about her favourite middle school memory.
”One time, my boyfriend of two hours and I snuck into an R-rated movie. We started making out, but then this really ugly, fat girl named Jennifer and her slightly less ugly friends walked in. My boyfriend and I stated throwing popcorn at her and calling her things like ‘Porkpie’ and ‘Butterball.’ Jennifer ran out of the theatre crying and abandoning her friends, but we followed her out and continued throwing things at her,” says Mayflower. “Come to think of it, that was also the year the principal gave a school-wide assembly on eating disorders.”
Mayflower’s second favourite memory was all the times she and her posse claimed to be queens of the local mall and would not let anyone in if they weren’t pretty enough.
“It was glorious,” says Mayflower, “By the time we were through, the people in the mall all looked like movie stars. Too bad it all had to end when our friend Macy got us all kicked out for shoplifting, like, 18 million bottles of perfume. You couldn’t blame her! That perfume was like, the expensive kind! But worst part of that is, we had to talk with this totally gross old man who had spots and everything! My friend, Clary, suggested that we flash the guy, but most of us didn’t have breasts yet!”
We had to ask Mayflower to stop there as she was about to go into a long spiel about her rich friend, Jasmine who, according to Mayflower, “owned all the cars and everything.”
However when we asked Mayflower about where her friends are now, her voice became quiet and replied, “I don’t know; out there… somewhere. I’ve only been able to find them in my head.” When asked how she would fit in at middle school today, Mayflower replied enthusiastically, “Oh, that’s easy, I would just quit my job, bind my breasts and bring out the One Direction CD! I’ve heard One Direction and they’re almost as good as Shawn and David Cassidy! In fact, I just gave my employers my two weeks notice!”
We wonder how Mayflower will be able to cope in the middle school dances where you have to dance at arms length. But knowing Mayflower, she soon will be leading boys to a breast.