‘Simon is lucky he got anything at all’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
“I love both of my children equally,” Josie Dunn, lying mother of two, said to the Other Press last Thursday.
Though they won’t admit it, all mothers have a favourite child—and Josie is no exception.
“The truth really came out this Christmas,” golden boy Steve Dunn winked as he told reporters. “I’m not going to say I’m surprised.”
Everything came to light when Steve and his lesser, uglier brother Simon saw their respective present piles under the family Christmas tree.
Simon Dunn, droopy-eyed underdog, recounted the scene in clear detail. “I came downstairs and saw a big pile of presents. At first, I was excited. Then when I examined the tags, I noticed around t-ree fourths of them had Steve’s name on them. One of them was very clearly a new snowboard. He doesn’t even snowboard! I snowboard!”
“I’ve never been snowboarding, but I feel like I would be pretty good at it. I’m pretty good at most things,” said Steve, who has the natural posture and good looks of a news anchor.
“I would never favour one of my kids over the other!” Josie said, avoiding eye contact. “Stevie is such a sweet boy. He loves his mother and he makes me so proud. And Simon… Simon drives his grandmother to the grocery store sometimes when we’re out of town. And he takes care of the cats. He’s good too.”
Jeff Dunn, father of Steve and Simon, told reporters, “She definitely likes Steve more. I mean, who wouldn’t? Have you ever seen that kid throw a football? I swear to God, it could clear the damn field. He’s a natural!”
“I went to look into my stocking,” Simon said, tearing up like a little bitch. “And I just pull out one big Toblerone. That’s it! Steve had tickets to a hockey game, a pair of leather gloves, patterned socks, a laminated deck of cards—all thoughtful gifts. I can’t even eat almonds!”
“Did you see him crying and eating his chocolate like a baby?” Jeff asked as Simon wept in what was once his wimpy childhood bedroom that has since been converted into a guest bedroom. “He’s got to pull up his socks and get it together. It’s Christmas, after all.”
When asked what Josie received from her sons on Mother’s Day, her eyes grew misty. “Steve wrote me the loveliest note that said, ‘I love you, Mom.’ It means so much to me that he would take time out of his busy day to think of me. He really is the apple of my eye, you know. A mother couldn’t ask for anything better.”
When asked about Simon’s gift, Josie rolled her eyes. “He bought me and his father a seven-day, all-inclusive trip to Cuba. Christ, what a little suck-up.”