Anti-’Wellness’ cleanse leads to sugar coma and extreme bloating
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Prior to 2014, Hamish McMuffin was just a regular guy who happily spent his days dishing out TCBY fro-yo to greedy moviegoers at the Cineplex in Coquitlam. Since January, however, the 23-year-old aspiring yogurt franchiser has been fighting the worst intestinal battle of his life—no thanks to that skinny bitch Gwyneth Paltrow and her advocacy of confusing wellness cleanses—and he’s suing-mad over it.
“I mean, I figured it’s a new year—a new chance for romance,” explained McMuffin, who has loudly stated his intentions to “sue the skinny, skinny pants” off of Paltrow. “I wanted to slim down and get it tight and right for the ladies, and I thought to myself ‘who’s slimmer than Gwyn?’—so I decided to check out her website for some tips. How was I to know that it would be the tip of my tummy-time iceberg nightmare?”
Indeed, McMuffin’s life took a terrible twist when he skimmed Paltrow’s popular lifestyle website, goop, for weight-loss ideas, and discovered detailed and boring instructions on how to conduct a post-holiday cleanse. Instead of reading the complete information, McMuffin used a speed-reading technique to get the gist of it. Based on his reading comprehension, he figured that he could “detox” by eliminating the things he saw mentioned on Paltrow’s website—like fruits, vegetables, and water.
“What was I supposed to think?” said McMuffin. “I’m hearing all these words like ‘wellness’ and ‘eliminate’ and ‘leafy greens’—so naturally I assumed that Ms. Paltrow was suggesting that she gets her rockin’ bod from not eating junk that tastes bad, right?”
At first, McMuffin enjoyed the cleanse. “I felt really good about myself, and I was proud that I had made that difficult leap towards putting my health first. I definitely looked down on those around me.”
However, after completing a 17-day binge of fast food, cake, and (veggie-less) pizza, McMuffin was shocked to discover that he had not actually lost any weight; on the contrary, he had gained eight pounds and his skin looked like a dirty sex store parking lot. Even worse, that girl that he sort of liked from down the street declined his offer to watch movies in his basement with him. The cleanse was a failure. Adding insult to gastrointestinal injury, McMuffin’s recognition of the detox’s malfunction coincided with a bad case of Whopper-induced diarrhea.
McMuffin is currently crowdsourcing on Facebook for a pro bono lawyer to take on his case, as he wants to get the word out about the fallacy of weight-loss cleanses. “I don’t want some innocent person to make the same mistake I did, and to miss out on a basement date with Susie from down the street,” said McMuffin.
When reached for comment, Paltrow’s representatives noted that McMuffin was “an idiot.”