Exactly what your girl wants
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Valentine’s Day is coming up, fellas, and that means one thing: expectations. Unless you’re finding yourself alone on February 14, here are some tips you should follow to make that night extra special for that special someone.
Presence: No better way to excite your girl than giving her a whole boatload of presence. Be alert, keep your eyes off the game on the screen behind her head, and, you know, maybe acknowledge that you’re listening by being actively involved in the conversation.
Steamy thoughts: Nothing turns a girl on more than a thoroughly planned out and well executed date. I’m not talking about how much you spend on that bottle of wine, or the prestige of the five-star restaurant (though these could never hurt). Let her know that you know her. Take her to that movie she mentioned that she wanted to see two weeks ago. Take her to her favorite restaurant, the one you might not like so much but know that she loves.
Dirty talk: Probably the best way to get her leading you to the bedroom is by expressing your honest thoughts on what you want to do to/with her. Communicate openly about your intentions, feelings, and darkest fears. Don’t make her feel like she’s on the outside looking in, and work with her as a team whenever a dispute comes up, rather than being on opposing sides.
Ties: Kink things up in your love life by introducing ties into your relationship. Marriage, children, and pets all work well to tie the two of you together. Emotional ropes only grow stronger the more loops and knots you form, and if you can make the ties nice and tight, no amount of gnawing or clawing will be able to free either of you. So really take the plunge on Valentine’s Day by surprising her with a Great Dane puppy or an adopted child!
Adult movies: A great end to the end of a romantic, emotional, honest Valentine’s date is to kick back and watch an adult movie together. R-rated movies are a great way to bring the two of you together, especially horror movies (you may both be frightened and more likely to cower in each other’s arms) or gruesome action movies (the well-muscled protagonist is sure to get your girl excited).
If none of these work, then maybe just put on some raunchy porn and break out the handcuffs.