Sorry bitches, Isabelle out!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Family Day, schmamily day—any stat holiday is wasted if I’m not getting wasted with my friends. I don’t want to use my precious, precious holiday time spending it with my family, for God’s sakes! Don’t waste Family Day (or any other day if you have better things to do then hear about your mom’s friend’s sister’s dog for hours on end) with the people who gave you life. Conveniently get out of it by using one of these five simple tips and tricks!
Work as an excuse
An easy and viable option since your parents see hard work and success as a sign that they made the right decision in birthing you. In fact, work is the only thing that they’re really proud of you for—so why not capitalize on it? Explain to them in terse, harried tones (remember, you’re swamped!) how the boss needs you to cover and there’s simply nothing else that could possibly be done besides you working for the next 27 hours straight. Dad will have tears of joy in his eyes!
Long-winded phone conversation
Though this method requires some vocal contact, you won’t be obligated to make another phone call home for around one and a half months or so. Feel free to rest the phone on your lap as your parents talk since they aren’t really talking about anything other than the new drywall they’re putting up in the office. As a plus, your parents aren’t really interested in what you’re doing either, so you won’t be expected to reciprocate. Top the call off with a mumbled, unconvincing “love you,” (don’t wait to hear a response) before immediately smashing that END button. You’re done!
Send message through sibling
If there’s one thing that you and your siblings can agree on, it’s that your parents are whack. Try drawing out schedules that has you all trading off on holidays. For example, your sibling(s) can take Easter, Mom’s birthday, and Grandma’s upcoming funeral, while you take Dad’s colonoscopy, Labour Day long weekend, and you both come home for Death of the Family Dog. Send your good ol’ bro (or sis, or sib) home with a half-assed “(your name) says hey.” Hopefully they won’t shoot the messenger!
Be it via roads, water, or plane—it doesn’t matter! All parents have a natural tendency to hate any and all forms of transportation for reasons unknown to me (I have no children). Blame the faceless behemoth that is public transportation. Have to go home to Vancouver Island? Nuts! The sailing got conveniently cancelled! Guess you’ll be having a Pirate Pak DoorDashed to your apartment instead. Flying out? Oh no! Flights are down for some reason. Looks like you’ll be watching The Emoji Movie from the comfort of your own bed. Taking the bus home? I don’t know, the bus isn’t running or something. You get the picture.
Fake own death
Controversial? Maybe. But hear me out—what would a parent’s best present be? Answer: Their own child rising from the dead, of course (note: if your parents don’t immediately provide this answer when asked, you are legally entitled to the sum of $300)! As an added bonus, you can decide how long you want to stay “dead.” Feel free to skip as many holidays as you want, until you decide to “out” yourself as being alive. My parents think I died in a tragic mall escalator accident back in 2013—and baby, I’m just biding my time.