I told you so
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Greetings from the year 2118! We finally figured out the time machine. I didn’t come back and write this to give you the blueprints, although I will give you a hint: Pies.
I came back and wrote this to tell you all to take a deep breath and know that all our silly fears we had about the future were false. In 2018 we were very concerned that the future would be filled with terror: Global warming was going to kill us, if Trump didn’t kill us all first, and we thought we would just experience one super bad Tinder date after another until we died alone. However, as I predicted in my famous 2019 article titled “The future will be fine, listen to me, god damn it,” I accurately guessed that everything would turn out okay. Sure, I wasn’t 100 per cent right about everything; after all, how could I have predicted the short lived super-lizard uprising of 2020 caused by the even shorter-lived 2019 Nuclear Lizard Pet Kit craze? It just goes to show that even experts like me aren’t right all the time. But, as I did predict, things resolved themselves.
I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but, in his last year in office Trump’s administration will create a nuclear weapon so poorly constructed that the only thing it will manage to do is emit an electromagnetic wave powerful enough to solve our global warming crisis by pushing the Earth slightly further away from the sun. Trump will then be hailed as a genius and given a Nobel Prize, only to be killed the day before the ceremony by his Nuclear Lizard, which he refuses to dispose of despite his office’s constant warnings.
The Tinder problem will also be solved, as we all will become so absorbed in our phones and news articles that no one will have time to date. Thank God Robo Mothers will also be invented to allow babies to be born without us having sex; with the 2024 invention New Internet we will be immersed 24/7, so who will have time for a healthy relationship? Only two per cent of the population according to a recent 2117 study and, honestly, everyone in the future thinks those people are freaks.
We will even be able to stop doing things we didn’t know were undesirable, like feeling any feelings at all, or needing to express ourselves through creation. As we know in the future, robots are better at doing everything, even making more robots, so we don’t really need to do anything. I don’t know about you, but that takes a load off of my mind, and allows me to consume entertainment and information 24/7. We don’t even have to sleep anymore, thanks to the 2021 invention Awake erasing that particular need.
So, take my word for it, the future will be kind to all of you. So relax, and don’t buy radioactive lizards.