A not-so-retro guide to happy relationships & a happy life in 2014
By Julia Siedlanowska, Staff Writer
Being an adult in 2014 isn’t easy. As much as we may like to pretend otherwise, there is most certainly a nouveau etiquette for proper behaviour for successful young ladies and gentlemen. Here are just a few of our humble tips that—if followed correctly—will surely bring you lifelong happiness. Or, at least a dude with a car.
Communication is key:
When texting your partner or desired lover, make sure to first send what you intend to communicate in a mass message to at least seven friends for approval first. Only then can you formulate the proper words, punctuation, and emoticons. Deciding between “hahaha” and “haha” can be very difficult—not to mention “:P” and “:).” Err on the side of caution. More bubbly will let them know you are still interested, and will save you from having to wonder whether or not you were nice enough.
Wait at least three minutes before responding to a text from a desired beau. If you respond too quickly, they will think you have no life. To convey anger, short responses are best. Try using “k…” as opposed to “ok…” for added effect. However, when men respond with “k,” this is not the same thing! It is no time to panic. Men lead busy lives and sometimes don’t have the time for a meaningful conversation with you. It is best to simply increase the number of selfies you post and make sure you look good going to the gym (and at all times for that matter—you never know when you might run into him!).
Speaking of selfies, do note that a change in furniture, hair colour, or paint colour in your room are all great reasons for one! The new piece of furniture doesn’t even have to be in the frame!
Also, be sure to take a selfie before you go to the gym so you won’t be all sweaty and gross! Always go to the gym in tight-fitting, brightly coloured, or all-black workout wear, and please don’t forget to show your cleavage and midriff—these are the photos in which you can get away with the most nudity.
The lighting at home is obviously the most flattering for selfies, as that is the light you have dressed and done your makeup in. It is also the light you know how to work with best when angling your body to look the most thin and in shape.
It often helps to enter inspirational quotes or abstract emotional song lyrics with your selfie. This way people will know you are literate and also not afraid to be emotionally vulnerable on social media. Try something like “find what you love and let it kill you.”
Make sure to take time out of your day to specifically take pictures for Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. If you get fewer than 10 likes in 10 minutes on any given post, take it down immediately. Also, be sure to use more hashtags to get more likes.
Always remember that a concert is more important to document than it is to experience.
Every time you pass a mirror or reflective surface, check to see your natural expression. Does it look relaxed? Try to emulate the face you make while staring at your own reflection in daily life. This will lead you to greater ease in creating the perfect “duck face.”
If you do go home with someone, make sure to wake up before them (if they’re cute) in order to re-apply your makeup. The more subtle you make it, the more he will be astounded by your natural beauty. If you do not have makeup with you for some unfortunate reason (please, be prepared!) simply go home, and leave a cute note. Then, add him on Facebook, where he will get to see the way you really look!