Illustration by Ed Appleby
Girl-on-girl secrets revealed
By Cara Seccafien, Layout Manager
The operation of lesbian sex is one of most coveted secrets of humanity. I know this because I am frequently asked for a short tutorial on the subject by strangers and acquaintances who seem to be unable to find suitable answers via the Internet. While most queer girls shy away from such conversations, I’m here to reveal the goods.
The first step to having lesbian sex is to find at least two gay, bisexual, pansexual, or repressed straight women. They have to be into each other, and not just zombie crushes (also known as “You are so smart—I want you for your brains”), but full-body, complete organism crushes.
Place the ladies in a space where they both are comfortable. Somewhere soft and pink with lots of flesh-toned pillows and crocheted blankets can work very well. It should be warm, with a chocolate fondue fountain in the corner and a bowl of exotic fruit across from that (no bananas!). Snacks are essential, because lesbian sex can go on for hours or even days. In the centre should be a queen sized bed, or a bean bag chair. The place should resemble a womb. Stock the space with vanilla and cherry scented lotions. Half of lesbian sex is just rubbing each other’s necks and legs with silky lubricants.
If the girls are not ready to get it on, try playing a little music. Serenade them if you feel comfortable. Sweet pop hits can work for some girls, but lesbihonest, nothing’s a bigger turn-on than feminist rock ballads. Lesbians like Joan Jett and the Blackhearts more than any other minority group.
After the music is playing and the girls are comfortable, suggest a game of truth or dare. Everyone knows that this innocent slumber party game is the root of all homosexuality. Dare them to kiss each other, see where that goes. Who knows? Maybe you’ll see something you never imagined possible: lesbian sex perhaps?
However, it’s proven that the most likely way to get lesbians to have sex with each other is to leave the room. After you leave, they will be left to their own devices. If you know what I mean. Get it? Devices. Go google it, you sick voyeur.
