A gentlemen’s guide to what ladies really want
By Irene Adler, Contributor
Why is it that the smarter a man gets, the dumber he seems to be with the fairer sex? Some of the biggest louses in London have no problem asking a woman out, but intelligent men seem downright confused about womankind altogether. Take my friend Sherlock Holmes for example. That brilliant man can solve a murder in a matter of minutes, but can he flirt with a woman? Not bloody likely. And believe me, I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried.
So listen up, gentlemen of superior intellect. Here is your chance to learn what’s what with the affectionate female in your life, and how to avoid mucking up your next encounter with her.
First of all, when a lady looks at you from across the room and makes direct eye contact with you, that isn’t a sign that she wants you to look away. Rather, it is a sign that she wants you to come over and indulge her deepest fantasies with eloquent conversation and compliments. Rarely would she make direct eye contact with you to indicate that there is something spilled on your shirt, so try to resist the urge to scamper off to the loo to check.
Secondly, a very important thing to keep in mind while flirting is to stay positive and answer with a “yes” as much as possible. If she compliments your jacket, avoid disagreeing with her and telling her everything that is wrong with it, or, heaven forbid, the things she is saying (“the sleeves are a bit too short” or “it’s not quite the right shade”). Just say “thank you” and compliment her lovely dress. Of course, the dress doesn’t actually have to be lovely for you to compliment it—your compliment is what makes it lovely. If she blushes, then you’re doing a good job and she is enjoying your company. If she doesn’t, try complimenting her hair. Or her jewelry. Or her shoes.
Lastly, be sure to respond to her touch, and don’t be afraid to take it a little further. If she places her hand on your arm, don’t grab her other hand and shake it like you’re greeting a colleague. Instead try touching her arm lightly and see how she responds. If she goes for a full-frontal hug, then you’re on the right path. However, in some cultures, these actions may constitute a marriage ceremony, so be careful which lovely ladies you use this tactic on.
If you’re a bright gentleman who’s a little slow with the ladies, take these tips and try putting them into practice for St. Valentine’s Day. Who knows what could happen? Best case scenario: you get some much needed attention from the fairer sex and possibly a courtship or three. Worst case scenario: you discover that, yes, you did spill mustard on your shirt, and that’s exactly what she was looking at.