A counterfeit punk’s guide to not being a complete wuss
By Sonam Kaloti, Arts Editor
Acting tough is a whole ‘nother genre of being tough. Not only do you have to fake yourself out, but everyone around you as well—or there may be dire consequences. I mean seriously, life isn’t a Disney Channel original—if you stand up to the bullies in real life, I’ll bet everything that the entire room isn’t going to clap. In fact, you’ll probably get curb stomped real quick.
Luckily, faking it is the best way to eventually make it. Just make sure you fake it good enough that nobody’s able to tell the difference until you get there.
Walk… with swag
First lesson is never saying “swag” in 2020. You won’t seem tough at all. Rather, you’ll seem like a Justin Bieber wannabe trapped in 2011.
Though, you can have swag without ever mentioning the dreadful term yourself. Take it from every cool guy in any movie you’ve ever seen: all black outfit, legs wide, hands in sweatpants pockets, lean back, and throw your head back too. Don’t forget the snapback covering your eyes—you don’t want anyone seeing into that void of darkness and lies.
Don’t look into anyone else’s either, aim for the bridge of their nose (it’s more assertive). Remember, you are the alpha. Repeat that to yourself until it sticks.
Look the part
You need to either have dyed hair, piercings, or tattoos—bonus points for all the above. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Wait… you’re telling me you don’t want to do that? Wow, so you really want to have your cake and eat it too. Well you must do something about your look…
Perhaps cut and shape a paper clip into a make-do septum? Hair dye spray? No scratch that, you’re not a die-hard sports fan. Then again, after that 2011 riot, that may be exactly what vibe you’re hoping to exude.
I’ll let you in on the golden secret to being a counterfeit punk: temporary tattoos. A neck one. Trust the process.
It isn’t what you say, it’s how you say it. The same goes for communicating with strange and angry drunk people in public. You can say whatever you want as long as you say it in a nice tone of voice.
Now flip that around.
Say whatever nice thing in
a tough tone of voice and you have yourself a winner. You’ll sound sarcastic or
just plain mean. Try, “I like your hair,” in a gruff mocking tone. Compliment
or not, you’ll come off like a real asshole immediately.